from an 'ex perpetrator'

sent via Pranav

Hi Friends.
I live in the upstandard and metropolitan city of Bombay. However I have been brought up in a conservative, puritanical family. The equality if the sexes is not an ideology acceptable to my family. However, I have never indulged in sexual harassment before or after the incident I have described hence:
A friend had invited me to Malhar at Xaviers back in 2005. I was just 19 then, and beginning to enlarge my friends' circle and experiences. So I went.
We enjoyed the festival thoroughly. But upon coming out, my friend went to the nearest pan stall to fetch a cigarette. That was fine- what shocked me was the large number of girls smoking there, apparently without any inhibitions. Though I had seen this before in Bombay, it was still very distracting and unique. I kept staring. When my friend noticed this, he smiled and said, "This is posh society. Everything is okay here". He asked me not to keep ogling.
But the scene had left an impression on my mind. Let me explain at this point that I have always been liberal minded, but the culture clash at that time was too much to handle. I began to visit the place again and again, just to watch the "scene", even against my own will and better judgement. It was almost compulsive; I had to stare, I just could not avoid it. Initially I did this once in a few months. By the end of 2006, however, it had become an obsession. I began to visit the place every week. I even went and ordered food at Jhunkas, a popular place back then for collegians. And I angered the Jhunkas waiters by cancelling an order once because I saw some girls smoking outside and could not resist going out.
This went on for a few months into early 2007. I used to loiter around the place for hours, helplessly, obsessively. Then a thing happened that changed my psyche forever.
I had been staring as usual that day. Suddenly a group who were dining at Jhunkas came out. The guys began to stare me down. One of them initiated the argument by asking me what I was doing here. I mumbled something about waiting for a friend. Another guy said, "We know all about you. Don't pretend. You are famous here.". "You come here every week, don't you?", another asked. A girl in the group glared at me hard. There were 6 of them and just me, but I still tried defending myself. I feigned ignorance; I said I did not know what they were talking about. But I had made myself pretty obvious. Then some of the guys became very angry. One said, "We are all equals here, understand that". Another warned me that if I ever set foot on that stretch of the footpath again, they would not talk but act. Then they told me to get lost. As I left, a few raised their hands in mock farewell. All this while, some girls at the pan stall had been following the conversation with deep dislike aimed at me.
I was quite shaken by the incident, and frightened. In the beginning I actually felt sorry (!!) for the fact that I had lost out on visiting the place again! But as time passed, I began to realize the error of my ways, and that I had sexually harassed the girls there in a most sick manner. My cultural dilemma had received a big blow, and all for the good. I never stared at girls again, and the trauma that I had been going through was eased. Over time I became progressively and truly egalitarian, and I am happy that the argument with the collegians did really happen, for it was a life-changing experience...

From an 'ex eve teaser'

http://blog.blanknoise.org/2008/06/from-ex-eveteaser.html

1. Your - age- background
Age: 29
Software Engg

2. why do you refer to yourself as an ex 'eve teaser'. what did you do?
I have given up on eve teasing. I got introduced to you by narrating my story.

3. what is eve teasing to you- what was the range of things that you did
Mostly caressing the bottom or thighs in crowded places. Rubbing private parts against the butt.

4. when and why did you stop?
Because I was punished in public.

5. how do you approach a woman stranger now? if you find her attractive?
I am married now. So no question of approaching. I have lot of friends who are girls.

6. how did you hear about Blank Noise
When I was browsing regarding eve teasing.

7. did you discuss being an 'eve teaser' , strategies and ways with your male friends?
No I used to operate alone. To my friends I was a decent guy.

8. did anyone except the woman who experienced it, really know that you could violate someone?
No. I had a decent image.

9. do you feel that 'teasing' to an extent is ok? if yes then where do you draw the line?
No it is not acceptable in any form or shape.

The answers are not meant to be seen as absolutes or solutions. It is but 1 person's experience. I thank him for sharing

from anonymous:

Hello,
I am a 30 year old guy from Mumbai now in US who chanced upon this site when reading about Nirbhaya KA.I would like to share 2 incidents one as a perpetrator and another as a victim.
1 Perpetrator : Age 14 .I was going in a bus and it was not very crowded.I was standing behind a girl who was a little older and probably someone from the lower middle class.I accidentaly touch her back with my front.But then I did not move away and did that again.She realized it,moved away and I was pretty embarassed that I had even attempted that.
2 Victim: Age 16 .I was in a elevator going up to my floor .We stayed on the 16th floor and my friends dad who lived on the 12th floor was in the elevator.He asked me how I was doing and I said good..he stood very close to me and by the back of his hand kept applying pressure to my front thing.It was pretty awkward and embarassing and I did not know what to do.I just endured and I guess I tried to smile since it was pretty confusing.Another of my friend had the same experience with this guy and we dismissed him as a wierdo.

You can say that I was among a decent type guy who had a older sister,respects women,offers own seat to women in buses and does not attempt to touch/look/tease woman.However,the reason I am bringing this up is to think about the psyche of ppl who do this.I can only talk about typical decent types who do this and not for the criminal guys.We even had a friend in school who we used to call Score Singh because he used to score (touch a woman ) in crowded places.After school I have not had any friends who would do this so I cannot comment on older guys doing this.

Following are the big reasons.
1 Most school kids dont realize the impact this is having on the girls and think only about their fun in this.
2 Most often it is the hormones kicking in and not having any output.
3 Most of them dont have sisters or cannot empathize with the female gender.

Please note that I dont for a minute feel that the above reasons justify their action .I am just stating this to identify what can be done to minimize this.
I think the Blank noise project is doing a great service by making ppl aware of this issue .I think there should be programs in schools also when kids are in 10th-12th standard so boys know that this is a wrong thing to do and the impact it has on girls/women.The teachers/princi should hold a session on talking about the evils of this.And most importantly girls should complain about this and try and hopefully that will scare away the guys from trying something similar again.

Best wishes for your effort.I am married man with a kid now and I know my wife has had some bad experiences but we dont talk about it openenly.All my wife says is she does not want to be born as a woman again and how free she feels in US to be able to wear a skirt and sometimes go swimming.
To all the girls out there,I know my apology does not make a difference but still I am sorry that you girls have to go through this and I promise if I am ever a witness to such a thing I will act .
God bless you all..

Regards,
A