Blank Noise Guy

Ludhiana

2011-02-07T03:07:00.002+05:30

language: Punjabi

location: Ludhiana

translation:

If a guy 'teases' a girl , then the girl makes him drink water from her shoe and even after that she doesn't spare him. There girls of this region are like this; they are not weak.

She was going somewhere and they teased her. She asked him what the problem was, then hit him hard and made him sit in down. A crowd gathered. She took off her shoes(jutti) and told him she would let him go only if he drank water from her shoes.

ANAND PHILIP'S RESPONSE TO LOCUTUS83

2011-02-02T14:19:00.005+05:30

Anand Philip continues the conversation started by Locutus83 in our blog post- GOT MAIL through his blog post . Anand describes himself as a 'lapsed Healthcare professional on perpetual vacation who writes in his mind regularly and on http://anandphilip.com occasionally.'

Anand and Locutus83's post are also hosted at our BN GUYS blog

Accidental Eveteasing and Other Mythical Beasts

first posted here

This post is in reply to the letter “Locutus83″ Sent to Blank Noise [Click here to Read it] asking some very honest and fundamental questions. I loved his honesty, openness and willingness to be wrong. This is also, partially, in response to the general riff raff and chit chat I have come across on various sites related to eve-teasing and street sexual harassment. And as Locust asks, have included a “guide to being a gentleman” as I cant think of anyone better suited than I to write such a guide.

Defining Eveteasing: Eveteasing is not a set of pre-defined actions. It is whatever makes women feel unsafe, powerless, predated upon and unwelcome. How you look, where you look, how long you look, what you do etc can serve as guidelines, but are not what marks eveteaing. However, terms are useful and necessary for awareness and education etc because discreet actions can be measured and evaluated.So also sexual thoughts are not eveteasing, nor are they wrong. Sexual thoughts are not disrespectful, they are natural, normal and in my opinion respectful. However, any sexual gratification that happens at the expense of another persons dignity, space and well being is inherently wrong, be it a thought or action.

How do women know? Women know because from childhood they have been preyed upon, its not sixth sense, its conditioning. From very young, girls are instructed by their parents, relatives and teachers to behave modestly, dress sensibly and mind their own business, and in the process hammering into their minds that being eveteased is their fault and it’s their responsibility to evade eveteasing. Men, on the other hand, have a free run, on the rare chance some girl stares back, snaps, or threatens to hit you with a chappal, it is laughed off and considered a small thing. So also, from childhood they are used to stares, looks, comments, whistles and so conditioned to detect and evade such behaviour.

Do they enjoy it? No woman, ever, under any circumstance whatsoever, enjoys being eveteased. This is not a matter of semantics, but a serious and fundamental issue. Eveteasing makes a woman feel helpless, powerless and dehumanized, NO ONE enjoys this. No sane person would expect women to enjoy rape (many insane people think they do), same way, no action, behavior or words that prey upon women can make them feel good.

Do women want us to stop looking? Blank noise and women in general do not want to stop men from looking, or staring, or making compliments, they want to stop harassment. This is not moral policing, not “neutering” of men, but of making them aware that preying on women is disgusting, illegal and will get their bottoms kicked.

Is it person dependant? Refer para. 3 What makes a statement/action eveteasing is essentially the attitude. So it doesn’t matter if a compliment comes from a poor man or rich, if respectful, appropriate, will be taken well. Guys who stand around the corner in groups and say “tamatar kya bhaav hai?” to passing women are not complimenting their breasts, they are being assholes.

Accidental Eveteasing. This seems to be the underlying question Locust and many others seem to have. In case the title of the article was not clear enough, and the first few points didn’t clear this misunderstanding, let me be very clear. You can no more eve tease someone by accident than you can mistakenly end up with your penis inside a cadaver. Comments do-not tumble out of your mouth and eyes dont automatically get glued to breasts.

But, occasionally, very rarely your look might be mistaken for lechery, this is not the norm but the exception. In such a situation, be honest, apologize, and look elsewhere. Women dont consider all men to be sexually deviant predators, they dont walk around looking for an excuse to use their pepper sprays. Mistakes happen, owe up and move on.

Guide for men.

There is no Guidebook There is no “do this, dont do this” list that you can mug up and follow. Actions matter, but attitude is what causes action. The basic quality is respect for women, not the fake, filmy, “but you are my sister” kind, but respect as will be demonstrated by you not talking to womens breasts, or whistling at them.

Respect is not conditional. Expecting women to fit into the stereotypes that history has handed down before respecting them is fake, futile and will result in your acting like a dick.

Be socially appropriate. As I said, there is nothing wrong in appreciating beauty, male, female, tree or car. However, it is important to be wise in the way one appreciates. I dont believe in lists, but there are some things that you can outright cross off you list. What works in the movies, like stalking, songs, and displays of macho-ness do not work. Also the street is not really the best way to find someone to start a relationship with. In most circumstances, a smile, nod, quick look-over will have you safe. But you have to learn what is appropriate. Learn from the best Just because you respect women does not mean you can do no wrong. You can still do something stupid, tacky and clumsy. This has more to do with social skills than attitude. The cure for that is to have female friends, no one knows what women want better than women. (Not only will women friends help you learn how to behave around women, they will also help you inyour pursuit of becoming a better boyfriend with ample advice and first hand experience in shopping and suchlike.)

Dont be scared, women are not looking for an excuse to call you a pervert.

Above all;

No means No

She is not asking for it. In fact, she never asks for it

To you, Locust, clearly you have no lack of respect for women, so i’d say you need to stop worrying about “accidentally” eveteasing someone, and go have fun.

LOCUTUS83- YOU'VE GOT MAIL

2011-02-02T14:18:00.002+05:30

Hello Blank Noise members/ readers/ supporters / spirited BN

Guys and Action Heroes,

We got an email from * locutus83 * and he has

given us the permission to publish it so that anyone who visits the blog can respond to it.

His email is below:

Hi Blank Noise,

I have read about your project recently and have had a look at your website. I must com

mend your group for the extremely high levels of enthusiasm and dedication you bring, in spreading aw

areness about sexual harassment of women and "eve-teasing". Keep it up!

However, being a member of the much maligned (with due cause

, of course) male gender of India, I have a lot of queries and scattered doubts regarding what you term as "eve-teasing" and sexual har

assment. I hope you would take your time to go through the questions and satisfy my doubts!

Before I shoot, let me lay down my ground beliefs:

1. I feel any kind of inappropriate PHYSICAL contact definitely is a very serious and despicable form of eve-teasing and sexual harassment.

2. I also agree that inappropriate VERBAL gestures also make up a large fraction of what you term as sexual harassment.

3. Blatantly lecherous staring (such as ogling at breasts openly) and "self-containted" but openly sexual acts (masturbation) too can be categorized as sexual harassment.

My main conclusion is that the key behind every act of sexual harassment/eve-teasing is that the victim feels violated, uncomfortable, insulted and humiliated.

However, I am a bit puzzled as to why LOOKING or occasional STARING falls in the category of eve-teasing. [Q1] How uncomfortable can a girl/woman feel because of a fleeting glance/look which is not "lecherous/sexual" ?

I understand that women have powerful instincts using which they can immediately classify the intent behind someone's look.. (undressing in the mind stuff)

But, a look/stare could be blank / angry/ absent-minded/ innocent with good intent/ admiring/ lecherous. [Q2] How can a girl/woman figure it out so quickly and classify it as harassment?

If I see a beautiful woman, then instinctively my eyes veer over her for a few seconds. This reaction, I feel, is quite biological and hard-ingrained into us males, and I think I am admiring the beauty of the lady in a nice way; I am not thinking of having sex with her right on the spot. (and even if there is some sexual intent, it's there for a fleeting second.) [Q3] What's wrong with that? Don't women feel good about themselves if they get a few admiring glances from the opposite sex?

It has happened sometimes that I have caught girls/women looking at me and women have caught me looking at them. This kind of fleeting eye-contact situation keeps happening from time to time. [Q4] Can staring into a woman's eyes be constituted as sexual harassment? It has also happened that I have smiled at a woman (stranger) post eye-contact; and vice versa. [Q5] Is staring and smiling at a woman sexual harassment?

[Q6] Isn't all this eve-teasing or sexual harassment if the woman is uncomfortable? [Q7] You surely cannot call it eve-teasing if the lady is ACTUALLY ENJOYING it, can you :-) ?

Next, some men have a belief that women don't mind being admired/teased by someone THEY admire or like; someone who is polished, erudite, refined, clean, sophisticated, educated. They get disgusted mainly because of the level/class of the man involved ( poor, dirty, pot-bellied, uncouth, illiterate, rude, smelly) rather thant the action. (Class bias). [Q8] Is this a misconception or is this somewhat true?

Finally, some people say that if you are to strictly avoid ALL of what constitues sexual harassment, then men would have to go against biology, and would have to:

1. Have some magical powers to get rid of sexual desire completely.

2. Be homosexual.

3. Be blind or extremely absent minded and have tunnel vision so as to look through women/girls as if they did not exist.

4. Avoid women like the plague and stay at a safe distance of more that 10 metres away from a woman/girl.

Surely, this is way too extreme, to be taken as a joke :-). But seriously, you have talked a lot about the NEGATIVEs of behaviour and what constitutes sexual harassment. What about some positive advice to all the men out there? How should men conduct themselves in public and in and around women to be liked and not be hated/feared as a lecher/jerk? Some "top 10 tips to be a nice yet classy man around women" would be welcome.

I hope you can spend some time and resolve some of my doubts.You may throw these questions open to debate to all the women/men in your group and associated with your group.

Best wishes to your team for 2011 and the future.

Warm regards,

Locutus83

Hello

Thanks very much for this email. We promise to answer all the questions and responds to the ideas mentioned. Am sure your questions resonate with many more people who visit us hence would it be okay with you if we shared your email on the blog? We could give you a pseudonym if you prefer?

Please let us know if you're okay with this. If yes, could you also share details such as age and a little bit about you.

Look forward to hearing from you

Thanks!

Blank Noise Team

Locutus83 has introduced himself as "I am 27+ years old. I have a Bachelor's Degree and Master's in Electrical Engineering and am currently working in a semiconductor Chip Design company in Bangalore. I am a science fiction freak and a cricket fanatic, and I love cycling and table tennis. Even though I don't consider myself a "feminist" in the true sense, I love to read a lot about women, relationships, problems faced by women, issues about love, sexuality, marriage, family and society; and the clashes with the puritanical, patriarchal Indian society. I consider myself a bit "westernized" in the sense that I believe in individualism, independence and sexual freedom; and don't hold the Indian social "culture, morals and values" in very high regard :-)

BN GUY Samar- Delhi

2011-01-05T01:04:00.003+05:30

language: Hindi

I won't ever forget this. A boy passed a comment at a girl and we grabbed him by the collar and whacked him. He said nothing except " What did I do wrong? everybody does it."

From Sahas

2010-10-11T12:46:00.004+05:30

you have asked for the specific incidents here are few of witnessed---

It was a summer evening of 2008 at Central Park. That day the 12^th std CBSE result had come out n a group of gals around 8-10 (Must be 12^th pass outs) were enjoying at the Central Park, CP. They were just having fun along the artificial stream. I was sitting on the lawns. A group of boys 3-4 in their early 20s started crossing the way of girls, passing remarks and even splash water on them even without knowing them. The park was very much crowded though the act of the boys was very much direct and qualifies to be called as intimidation nobody took a notice of it. I was very much disturbed by observing this for sometime. By the time I made up my mind to intervene the gals replied back and warned the guys to slap and hit back if they again tried to come their way. Then the boys did not return. I was quite happy to c the unity of the gals.
This is something I observe everyday in DTC buses, in Metro and in Sharing Autorickshaw- there would enough space but few people intentionally try to stand or take the seat closer to gals and brush shoulder with the ladies, jerk or no jerk in the moving vehicle. When gals complaint then they move aside. But complaint by gals is very rare. In each case the uncomfortable feeling is quite visible on the face of the ladies. I feel very much agitated in all instances but unfortunately can’t afford to intervene.
What I’m shocked to see in Delhi is almost all the eve-teasing cases are committed by educated, college going, sophisticated stylish yo-yo type guys. The eve teaser is not necessarily be the rogue, down market, mowali type guy anymore. Even in Metro and other places where the guys are with gals they find it act of Macho to pass remarks about gals and what is most appalling is that the gals are appreciative in most of the cases.
I’m a law student and to tell you that even my classroom in law faculty is also not free from this…we witness many everyday.

What I’ve gathered from my experience is that, It’s not the act of eve teasing we have to fight with rather the ‘mind set’ towards the women in a city where nobody is there to claim that it’s mine and I’ve to preserve its reputation.

people wanting to sign up on the blank noise delhi google group. why?!

2010-01-30T23:13:00.001+05:30

BN Guy Haresh

2010-01-11T10:49:00.001+05:30

I am a guy and it didn't happen with me. It happened with two girls in a public bus three years back.

I took a bus from my residence in Sector 29 of Vashi. I was standing and a guy was standing beside me and there were two girls standing on the opposite side of the aisle. The guy was around 25-26 years at that time I guess. And I was 22. Then, after a few stops, that guy slowly went on the other side, right between the two girls even when there was a lot of space on this side. No one except me apparently noticed this. Slowly, he tried to hold one of the pipes in the bus to 'support himself' where he actually was trying to touch the hand of one of the girls. But, the girl soon became aware of this and she removed her hand from there. After some time, that guy brought his hand down and started trying to 'inadvertently' touch the other girl on and around her thighs. The girl was unaware of this. But, I told him loudly, 'Why do you stand there in the narrow space between two girls when there is enough space over this side and I've been seeing you for quite some time that you're trying to touch this girl on her hand and this girl on thigh.' The two girls and a few passengers around heard them and the guy started defending himself. He in fact argued, 'Is ladkiya kuch nahi bol rahi hain t tu kyu bol raha hain. Maine kuch nahi kiya'. I replied that they even aren't aware of it. I kept on making him feel ashamed. Eventually, he got down at the next bus-stop.

* "If the girl isn't saying a thing, why are you? I didn't do anything."

Location: A public bus (BEST?), Vashi, Navi Mumbai

Dhruva Ghosh

2009-12-02T01:43:00.007+05:30

Eve-teasing, per se, and street sexual harassment are not identical, as we have agreed, in the past. I think, of all the various axes the subject can be dissected along, one of the most important issues was, and continues to remain, the degree and nature of engagement of two individuals, on the street, against a social backdrop. Fact remains that sexual instinct is a powerful one. In the average human being where roughly 90% of all sensory stimulus is visual, sight (and therefore 'checking out' ) plays a strong role in reproductive behaviour. Therefore it makes it very difficult for one to draw a line where looking crosses the margin of the acceptable and becomes a menace. I have known men to ogle at women with or without their knowledge in several ways, and mean no harm. Yet I have also seen otherwise. The point of this monologue is this. Perhaps there is no uniform prescription. Only a certain awareness of the situation and an emergent resolution of the issue is the way out. No one really wants the trouble, more or less. The gap is merely one of communication. And this gap is widened by closed minds, differing currencies of sensibility, and misperception, amongst other things.

John P Matthew for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T12:38:00.002+05:30

Comments on my blog post on "Street Harassment"
No, John, No chappals from me. I agree with your tongue-in-cheek analysis of street harassment. To survive, you need to be tough, blasé, and tell yourself, men are dogs. No, not you. And actually, not quite a few men I know. But like one negotiates potholes, shit, stray dogs, beggars, BEST buses, rickshaws, etc, etc on our big, bad roads, the same with eve teasers.
Batul Mukhtiar

Well, you do have a point, John, but let me tell you my perspective...

Women are harassed on the streets even if dresses are not so revealing, and despite sindoor. They have always been.

Sometimes ignoring works. But yes, knowing self defence is a good idea. I have used the good old safety pin quite often. And I hope the men who have been at the receiving end of my "weapon" have not dared to repeat their acts.

I remember once Bhopal police ran a unique anti-harassment drive near my all-girls' college. The head of any man found guilty was shaved!

I am raising my son to respect women. Hope his children will respect women even more. And gradually, change should happen.
Smita Rajan

Batul: "To survive, you need to be tough, blase, and tell yourself, men are dogs. "

Please do not take this extreme view. They are only misguided. As Smita says we have to work towards a change in attitude.

Smita: "Women are harassed on the streets even if dresses are not so revealing, and despite sindoor. They have always been."

I had forgotten one vital point. Kamayani has stated on her Ryze page that "portrayal of women in the media is one of the major causes of violence towards women," something to that effect. In the same vein I would say "portrayal of women in films and serials is one of the major reasons for eve teasing and street harassment."

In films women are shown to playfully enjoy being called "Chamak Challo," so men assume in real life too they love being called that. Wrong assumption. In films they are following the dream merchants' tricks to get more people to watch the movie and in real life it hurts to be called "Chamak Challo."

so the portrayal of women in the media also has to change with the change of attitude we are aiming towards.

Confession time: Even I used to have a "teaser's mentality" (no not an outright teaser, as I was shy of girls, but I still do "look" [the "that woman is stunningly beautiful" sort of look, and i have been amply rewarded by a smile for my efforts] if that amounts to harassment, please enlighten) at one time and I changed when I had enough wonderful women friends. If I can change then all men can, I am sure.
John

No, John. I don't really believe men are dogs. I meant it in the same tone as was your article. For that moment of time, when one is being teased, like a bit of a whiplash, actually, one just reacts. That's it. I don't believe in generalizations. Nor do I enjoy being a "Chammak Challo". But I do like being looked at appreciatevely as I am sure, do men
Batul

My reaction to a post on Anita's blog.

We, as a society aren't ready enough for our women to wear g-strings, as yet. If they do, it's at their own risk.

I hint at a feminine revolution, but the harbingers have to go by the status quo before changing attitudes and perception.

As I also said elsewhere, the provocation happens in a song video, but the rape happens in a lonely spot to an innocent girl who least expects it, by a man who hasn't learnt to be nonchalant (as it happened to a girl in a police chowky in Bombay).
John

Whatever made you think you'd have chappals thrown at you?

Naa...
I enjoyed every bit of this post. And I'm taking the advice about the martial art. :)
Ulrica

nice post. and no , am not aiming any of my footwear at you. Though I must say, just being a female is enough to get cat calls. I grew up being called ugly by my family so was really aghast when I still got lewd passes made at me. And, no I havent worn a mini in my life :P
Bilbo

What gave you the idea that salwar-kameez's and sari's can shield you from being groped?!! That's just a fantasy! And you don't think married women with sindoor and mangalsutra's get molested everyday?! Ask around. You'll be surprised. It's not about g-strings and revealing clothes. It rarely is.
Chryselle

John I dunno what to say! I personally don't like telling people what to do. I'd rather advise men to keep off. If its ain't your business then its ain't your business. Just keep off!

Why advise women as to how should they dress? Anyways, an engaging piece. :-)
Dan Hussein

"Dress in salwar-kameezes and saris and please do not show skin." even i thought that worked... but trust me it doesnt.
D

All of you are agreed that saris and salwar-kameezes aren't a deterrent to eve teasing. May be, I was wrong. But women friends who suggested this said this works. At least, the sindoor in hair parting bit as the man is aware that there is a man in her life and he doesn't stand a chance.

Dan, dost, I had to write something as I had already enlisted as a blogger. So why not offer a piece of advice? After all, it is my blog I am writing and my personal space.
John

"At least, the sindoor in hair parting bit as the man is aware that there is a man in her life and he doesn't stand a chance."

But John! The point here is that the eve-teaser does not care if the woman has a man in her life or not! All he needs to do is to grope and grope he will despite any marital status.
Smita Rajan

A serial rape, two molestations and a gang rape!

A serial rape and two molestations and a gang rape

Seems this blog is being converted (thought of using the word perverted) into a rape blog. I couldn't post this yesterday, and when I open the papers today there's another rape spashed across the pages.

We need to do some deep meditation before the nation degenerates, yes, degenerates, into a nation of rapists, molesters, lechers, and perverts.

I guess rape is about power. The power to confer sex is in the hands of the female of the species. But power of administration, business and comerce are with men. Men use women as tools to advance their power, administration, business and commerce. In the process women are forced to expose, pose in the nude, talk loftily about a lifestyle they crave, give the "come hither" looks.

Unmoderated, unregulated show of sexuality on screen can pervert men into thinking women are "available" when they are not. That leads to frustration, and rap happens.

Please comment. I would like to know what you think.

First the serial rape

A rich industrialist’s son, who drives a Mercedes, no less seems to be a serial rapist. He picked up a 52-year old woman from Colaba some place, took her to the textile mill he owns and raped her. I see your jaws dropping. Yes, she is 52 years old and he is the scion of one of the richest mill-owners in Bombay, and he raped her in the mill he owns. Whoa, what happening? As the Ripley’s Believe it or not presenter say, “Believe it.”

Seems he is a serial rapist and a sex maniac on the loose. A homosexual then came forward and testified that he had assaulted and raped him also. Then a call center employee came forth with another allegation that the same industrialist’s son had raped her on the Bombay-Pune expressway.

A Riot Over a Molestation on Holi

Ghansoli is a small village near Turbhe where I work. In this village two groups clashed with iron rods, swords, and sickles over a molestation of a girl on Holi. For those who came late, I mean those from foreign climes, Holi is the festival of springs when colored water and powder is thrown on each other in celebration of the coming of spring. It is an Indian custom and a festival of sorts.

Seems a girl was molested when throwing water, or powder on her. It is a common occurrence and many women have complained of men groping them on the pretext of applying colored water and powder. But a riot ensued and three people are dead. The police fired their weapons and many are injured and in hospital.

Masseur-ji in molestation case

Then this one tops this list. A masseur, a member of the Indian team that went to participate in the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne, groped and attempted “to fondle” an attendant in the games village in that city.

Tut, tut, not done dear masseur-ji. Those white-skin “memsahibs” are not as forgiving as our local “madam-ji’s” when they are groped. You are used to groping cute young things in buses and in public places in India. Right? But those white-skinned “memsahibs” can slap you, drag you to court, humiliate you if you do the sort of stuff you do in DTC and BEST buses.

So be very careful when you are in a “phoren” country. Okay?

The gang rape
Today, there is news of a gang rape in Mira road. A teenager invited a girl of his age to his flat apparently for a birthday party. The girl innocently turns up and finds only the boy and his friends. She is given fruit juice laced with sleeping pills. She is taken into the bedroom shown porono films and gang raped.

John P Matthew for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T12:29:00.003+05:30

Street Harassment!

I write this at the risk of alienating, nay, losing all my women friends, of which I have a very few dear, dear ones.

Women consider me one of their own. No, I am not a tranvestite, or any of that tribe that women consider harmless enough to make friends. A colleague was bitching about men in general, turned to me and said, “No, not you, John.” I just quivered with gratitude and wanted to kiss her or something. But I didn’t.

But this must be said, and I guess, this has never been said by a man before. So am I assured of the TRPs, page views, and the links to this post, right? Ah, well, then let me go ahead and shake up women’s perception of men a bit.

Umm, oh, huh...

The subject is “Street Harassment” and I am supposed to write some gyan (wisdom, silly) about it.

Women, there is a revolution on, if you haven’t already noticed. These revolutionaries are everywhere, in offices, in trains, buses, wearing revealing clothes, displaying their attitudes and demolishing male bastions. Imagine all those cave women and kitchen-bound women down centuries breaking out into Latino dances today and you can sense a revolutionary casting away of centuries-old shackles. You will find a new generation waving the flag of liberation the way they walk, talk, and work.

In my school, girls excelled in all subjects, leaving us poor sods gritting our teeth and more than a little chastened. In college women were always on top. In literary fora, their voices are rational, learned and strident. In journalism they virtually overshadow the men with their deft handling of issues and words. In the Knowledge Process Outsourcing and Business Process Outsourcing units that I have worked they are the invisible movers and shakers. They seek and command attention. These are the revolutionaries.

With the revolution has come an insouciance, a feeling that they can do things better where men have managed to mess things up with their excesses. In this new confidence, a man feels inferior, threatened. Women are aggressively pursuing their dreams and leaving their boyfriends and husbands behind. A colleague screams into her cellphone, “It’s over, finished,” and disconnects. The husband calls back immediately and apologizes. Wimp!

Now how are men taking this revolution? Can’t say they are taking it in their strides. They have resorted to drinks, narcotics, endless cribs about women, dirty talk, etc. Any “men only” talk is peppered with the most lurid accounts of women. When men are bitter they bitch worse than women. And their bitching is malevolent, and can turn into violent acts, like rape for instance. Tradition, you know.

Too many rapes happening in this country? That’s why. The reason: Women have outwitted men, and men can’t take it gracefully.

NOW MY SUGGESTIONS TO WOMEN IN THE VANGUARD OF THIS REVOLUTION:

If you are the harbinger of this revolution, if you have attitude, if you are blasé about a whistle, or, catcall, go ahead and do your thing. You should also know karate, be able to sock a man on the jaw. Dress in low-waist jeans, wear that see-through thingy. Well, go ahead, I won’t dare stop you. A colleague does that and men stay away.

When a man whispered, “Hi Sweetie” in her face, she assumed her sweet-girl disposition and said, “Hold on, let me keep this bag aside. And we can whisper sweet nothings.”

The macho dude salivatingly thought this was his big day and that she was giving “line,” “Yes of course,” he said.

She rubbed her hands to sharpen the sting and let him have it on both cheeks.

The macho-ness vanished. He fled for his life. The crowd wouldn’t have spared him.

Atta girl, if you can pull off such stunts.

The crowd would be willing participants if you raise a hand and your voice. I saw it happen. A man molested a woman and ran in the VT subway. She screamed “thief, thief” and a crowd gathered and beat him up, despite his protestations. Do something similar.

But if you are the sensitive, touch-me-not, thinks-too-much kind, a word of advice. Do not dress in any of the thingies mentioned above. Because if you do men are going to whistle, cat call, say “Chamak challo.” Confession: Men are many, many times more sexually excitable than women. Even a rotund shape can be suggestive of oodles of passion. And passion can lead crimes of passion. So, beware.

Dress in salwar-kameezes and saris and please do not show skin. Indian traditional dresses are so designed as to keep feminine-ness and men’s roving eyes in check and at
the same time lend grace and beauty. Wear sindoor in your hair. A former colleague said no one bothered her after she started using this strategy, i.e., wearing sindoor in her hair.

If you still feel you should show your feminine-ness then wear clothes that suit the occasion. That is, don’t wear the mini on a train journey, there will be all kinds of snide remarks and catalls. Imagine all those testosterones that would be released in a busy railway platform like Kurla when a girl in a mini walks past. And all they can manage is a tame wolf whistle, or a kiss sound or a “hey, chamiya.” So much for men’s macho-ness. Wear a mini only if you are in a car and the car would leave you at a party and pick you up after it. Or, better still, take the mini along and change at the party venue.

Agreed? Clear? Now let me have those chappals please! I am already ducking!

Great Bong for the Blank Noise Blogathon

2009-12-01T12:24:00.001+05:30

Leaving aside my objections to BNP and its branch of militant feminism, the cause is worthwhile and some posts, which transcend street harassment and talk about sexual harassment in general are worth reading— making you uneasy and at the same time stunning you into silence by their explosive nature.

There is not much for me to say about this topic that has not been said more eloquently and more fervently elsewhere. However one wonders—do blogathons really help the harassed woman on the streets? Do roadside Romeos read my blog? And would reading this change them in any way?

Jai Arjun Singh for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T12:19:00.002+05:30

The divorced woman as easy prey
(Originally wrote this for the Blank Noise Project blogathon – I’d been told the post didn’t necessarily have to be on street harassment. Oh well, it can sit here now.)

I was nine when my parents separated and my mother and I moved into a new flat. My relationship with my mom had always been very candid, and so it was that even at that early age I developed an understanding of the perceptions many men had about divorced women: that they were available, desperate for any form of companionship – and even fundamentally loose-charactered (it being a major step in our society for a woman to leave her husband’s home, and therefore indicative that she was unconventional in her thinking = not a sweet, submissive Bharatiya naari = Westernised = unprincipled).

One of the first friends my mother made in the new colony was this slightly sad-faced lady (I’m not sure if she was like that from the very beginning or if I’ve ascribed those qualities to her retrospectively) who I’ll call Ritika aunty. She would often visit, sometimes with her husband Rajiv, and mum and I would occasionally go across to their place as well. I can’t recall what I thought of him back then – my memory is so clouded by what happened later – but I probably thought he was an okay sort: the adult male figures in my life up to that point hadn’t exactly been paragons of normalcy, and compared to them most uncles would have seemed okay-sorts.

Ritika and Rajiv seemed the picture of a “normal” couple – well-settled, living in a decent-sized house with two small children and one large dog. Which is why it’s easy to imagine how shaken my mother was when one day – a year or so into our acquaintance with them – Rajiv called her up late one evening and, after initially asking if his wife was around, started making overtures. The kind of talk that begins with “What do you do all day, it must get very dull” and progresses with surprising swiftness to “Is the kid asleep? Should I come over?”

The first thing mum did was to tell me about it. The second thing (and this is something not many women would have had the courage to do) was to call Ritika aunty over and give her the whole story as calmly and straightforwardly as possible. I think it’s equally creditable (given how women in Indian society are conditioned to be fiercely loyal to their husbands just to maintain appearances, “family honour” etc) that Ritika accepted the story without fuss, admitting that she had long suspected Rajiv was up to all sorts of things behind her back, but had resigned herself to it. I imagine she confronted him about it later, and of course that was the end of any contact between him and us. They’re still very much together, though I don’t know what sort of a relationship it must be.

The incident had a major effect on my mother. She no longer felt as free or as comfortable talking with her friends’ husbands as she had before – even with the ones she had known for many years and genuinely believed to be decent men. This most relaxed, unselfconscious of women started feeling the need to measure everything she said at get-togethers. She told me once that she didn’t know anymore whether to laugh at a risqué joke told by a male friend, even if it was in his wife’s presence – because if another such incident ever occurred she might be accused of having brought it on herself by being over-familiar. As tactfully as possible, she made it clear to her closest friends that she was more comfortable when they visited alone rather than with their husbands. Inevitably, the strings of some of those friendships were loosened as a result. And all because of one stupid episode.

I’d like to think things have changed since those days in terms of how men look at a divorced/separated woman – or in terms of people being more accepting of independent women in general. But every once in a while I’m reminded they haven’t. A friend who recently got divorced told me about how she’d been getting strange, scarily persistent phone calls and SMSes from male acquaintances: come-ons based on the assumption that she must now be lonely or insecure. These included guys who were themselves married or in relationships, and who had never been anything more than pleasantly cordial to her when she was married. And I’m talking here about a woman with a thriving career, financial security and parents who were supportive of her all the way through. I can only imagine what it must be like for others who aren’t as lucky. It makes it easier to understand why thousands of women in this country persist in sticking on in bad marriages.

P.S. I still see Ritika aunty around the colony sometimes, looking tired and careworn, usually leading a big dog listlessly around. (It’s almost always a different dog – none of their pets lives very long because this isn’t a family of animal-lovers, they just keep getting dogs to fill the empty spaces in their lives.) She even drops in briefly once every few months but the friendship between her and my mum has never been the same since

Ventilatorblues for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T12:16:00.000+05:30

Mr. H.
[Thank you, Blank Noise Project]

I went to a Protestant school in Kolkata, where I had many Anglo-Indian teachers. One of them was Mr. H, who was an old boy, and taught us English literature. Now, Mr. H. was one of my favorite teachers in school. Full of personality and attitude, and a huge physical frame to go with them, he was the one teacher all of us loved as well as feared. At a school like mine, grades mattered, and Mr. H. was very generous with his grading. Surely this had something to do with the fact that he did not think class tests to be very important, but also, he was an alcoholic, and so, often, very amenable to all kinds of pressure tactics from students post-test. Mr. H. was also heavily into sports, having earned school colors in boxing, swimming, rugby and athletics in his day, and he was also the school swimming instructor. So I knew him outside the class as well, by virtue of being in the school swim team, which every year would participate in an inter-school competition. Now, at the swimming pool, unlike in class, Mr. H. was a strict disciplinarian. He was a passionate taskmaster, and not averse to physically "setting right" anyone that was not pulling their weight. Looking back, those hours in the swimming pool, and the times I spent with Mr. H. outside the pool, traveling to swim competitions, are some of my happiest memories of school.

One day, I think it was in Class VII, Mr. H. and an old boy, SS, walked into our class in the middle of another teacher's class and hauled out one of my classmates. Lets call him K. Before going any further, let me add that this was totally unprecedented. Teachers did not just walk into others' classes and pull students out unless the matter was serious - leave alone teachers accompanied by old boys (SS had been in the swim team too, in his day). As it turns out, the matter was serious. K had been eve-teasing women outside Victoria Memorial after school hours. Yes, K was in Class VII and apparently, these things start early. But he had made the mistake the day before, of directing his advances towards a lady who turned out to have been SS's sister. Mr. H. and SS marched K into the Round Chapel in school, closed all the doors, and ...................... well, let me just say that we did not see K in school for a few days thereafter. And when he did return, his body was still hurting. The whole incident created a huge stir in school, but as far I can recall, the school authorities did not interfere at all, and matters died down very quickly.

Like many other bloggers who have been writing about sexual harrassment, I too have never experienced it first-hand. And like my friend Tabula Rasa, who asks how we can change the status quo, I too have no stock answers. Lust is a primal human drive, and if Hindu scripture is to be believed, it has the same physical origins as the will to create. As such, there is no easy way of cleansing the human mind of this vicious drive, except to greet it with the strongest reproach every time it arises. Mr. H. understood this, and his approach to this problem was, in my opinion, bang on target.

I should add that about two years after I finished school, Mr. H. died at the age of 40, from liver complications. I had gone away to Delhi for college, but I was lucky to be in Kolkata when the school decided to host a commemoration ceremony for him. At the ceremony, I met all my swim team buddies, and we all remembered Mr. H. and thanked our stars that we had had the good fortune to pass through school while he had been around.

I hope that all my classmates from that day will carry the memory of that incident just as vividly as I do. Most of all, K.

Hawkeye for Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T11:50:00.002+05:30

Blank Noise Dedication

So blank noise project is a team of energetic people who want to protest against sexual harrassment. Sometimes they even photograph offenders and put the photos on the web. Good work! Noble idea. Their message is actually different. They feel the word "eve teasing" is actually an euphemism which dignifies what is actually sexual harrasment. The web page was interesting because women all over India have basically poured in incidents from - all over India. Bangalore, Mumbai, Delhi Madras - every place seems to try and better each other in hurting its women.

Unfortunately male bloggers have taken upon themselves to play the "i didn't steal his pencil teacher". Men reacting to women complain about eve teasing is funny. They suddenly become the voice of the world females population and say "how dare he? how can anybody do this?". And we'll see them talk and act like they lived through and know what the women's perspective is. Suddenly they'll get all moral and say "It happens like that in Mumbai. No way! I never knew about it" ( He'd say this after he personally laughed at 2 guys making fun of a girl in the morning train journey). The other popular routine is "I didnt know it affected you so much". The point is men do pass obscene comments at women. They is no point in pretending that this never happens. The issue is what should one do about it. What did I personally do about it? If the offending male is old/small or someone whom I can beat up, I'll probably try and do something. But if there are a group of boys who are thugs, I'll cooly walk the other way. I never pretended to be a courageous person and dont want to play that game either. I know that I'll certainly get beaten up if I raise my voice. I have had my share of stupidy standing up for justice (incident narrated below) and I know better than indulging in more of it. The only person who can save the girl from that point onwards is some undercover female police or the bus conductor.

I have some advice for Blank Noise. The point of the blank noise thing is that it should be more focussed on how to systematically internalize values in the society that such things do not happen. How do you knock sense into a boy who is 3rd year mechanical engineering but is so sexually repressed that he has to make comments at a girl who happens like wearing pants? I personally prefer violence to knock some sense into him - but then that is not realistic. If the blank noise team can come up with a clear implementable idea then they can consider themselves to have done a god job. And dont ask men not to ogle. That is not realistic. I ogle. Ogling is known to be the chief cause of love marriages. So that cant be a bad thing. It is the intrusion of personal space that seems to be the offending element there. If a thug passes a comment on a girl or pinches her breast, there is no accountability, no way for the girl to prove it happened. So in effect creating a deterrent for doing this is difficult. So this team needs to mull over what an effective deterrent could be? If punishment 9after the fact) route is ineffective how do you prevent? I am not sure how you can go to a village in Gujarat (which in my opinion is worse than any other place mentioned in blank noise) and teach somebody to behave well with girls. Can somebody contribute a bright idea to this cause? The point is instead of narrating personal incidents (which I am pretty sure some men will read it just for the sexual kick) or useless rhetorical threats (Some men do this - "kabardaar! if you do it I will come and protect my sister and rip your throat off" ) - people should come up with solutions that are realistic.

The other "things to think about in the future" for people like blank noise is - (1) To systematically act against "Vice-Chancellors" of institutions who design taliban like dress code for women (and men). This is the chief cause of many men being the idiots they are. And according to me these dress codes amount to sexual harrassment. (ii) Educating village men on marriage. In situations where the groom and the bride have never seen each other before marriage- having sex on the wedding night is tantamount to rape. Any non-profit group should teach such categories of people to encourage bride & groom to talk to each other before marriage (or) postpone having 'the sex' until they know each other very well. Without touching upon these two topics groups such as blank Noise would leave things half-done. They can start by catering to middle-class, rich girls who can already speak for themselves. But they should complete by helping women who dont even know what their rights are. Thats really stopping sexual harrasment.

I had written old piece on "sex and india". I will provide an excerpt from that as my contribution to blank noise project.

I think 99% of people in India are "pattikaadu" (country bumpkins). For example Madras has its share of pattikaadu but the more south of Madras (and into south TN) you go the more pattikaadus you see. Seriously! While I have appreciated south-of-Madras folks for a lot of things, I have to say that they are pretty shitty when it comes to this topic. Madras isn't much different. Some 3 months before I went to Ooty with my family. In Pykara falls, there was a reasonably good looking girl (who had come with her parents) dressed in western outfit. It was nothing great. She wore a short-sleeve T-Shirt and jeans. Students from Sun College of Engineering & Technology ( Address Sun Nagar, Erachakulam Post Nagercoil, KanyaKumari District, Tamilnadu. Phone: 91-04652-26335 Chairman: C.Thayaparan, M.E. Trust: ACP Educational Trust, 10 Kalaimagal Street, Nagercoil - 629 0001: Call the college and curse the chairman for enrolling shameless students - these were students who visited Ooty in July 2005) had come for their class tour to Ooty. From the way they behaved on seeing this girl made me feel that these people had never seen good looking females before, leave alone females in jeans. They called her "thambi" ( which means 'brother' because in their retarded minds only men wear jeans) etc. They made funny noises until the girl and her family left in embarassment. They literally ganged up and harassed the girl. Even the most impotent tiny balls bastard in that group began to see an opportunity to show his manliness. In my view 99% of males from 15-25 in Tamil Nadu falls in this category. I went looking for a female police station so that they could book these people for "eve teasing". I shouted and called a couple of guys "bastards". I kept calling them that until it diverted the undersexed assoles and made them look at me. Two of those students got offended because I revealed their birth history to the general public and tried to pick a fight with me But alas! my father dragged me out of that place.

Hey! I drool at girls. Every man who walks abviously does. But there is a difference. "Looking" is different but commenting loudly is something else. It is bad, invasion of privacy, abuse, and should never be allowed. I think people down south TN are complete "pattikaadu". And this fact has been largely ignored because we feel some desparate urge to show support for people from villages and small towns. Now I can already see comments like "how can you say such things.. villages are the heart of India etc". Nobody has travelled around TN like I have. This topic is different from engineering entrance exams topic. So I suggest such people keep their patriotism to themselves and shut up their asses. People south of Madras are backward, primitive and barbaric. You disgaree? do this experiment. Send a very good looking girl(dressed in western outfits) out for a walk on the roads of madurai, trichy or thirunelveli. In less than 2 minutes you would notice everybody in the road staring at her, talking and smiling among themselves. In 10 minutes there will be 2 derogatory comments and a whistle. This is 100% true. Go to anywhere in TN you will get a 100 on 100 success. Even better make a boy & girl walk on the road holding hands you will almost see a riot. A girl wearing sleeveless, jeans or slightly western dress is a "sole" (prostitute). A girl who talks too much with guys is named "despo". I hope people from these parts are reading this. I desparately want to insult them.

zigzackly for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T02:26:00.001+05:30

"eve-teasing"

Our apologies in advance. This is a long, rambly post. Sorry, an even more rambly post than we produce in those rare moments when we stir ourselves to actually write at length. And yes, we'll have to abandon our beloved first person plural for the nonce. We beg your pardon.

When one of the people behind the Blank Noise Project blog-a-thon got in touch a few days ago and invited me to participate, I hesitated. I'll gladly help spread the word, I said, but I don't know if I'll post.

You see, there are parts of this whole thing that leave me uncomfortable.

There's the matter of the road-side romeos, as we like to refer to them. The ones who whistle and sing film songs at girls. Scum, right? Shouldn't be allowed, right?

To answer that, I'll have to digress a bit. I was talking to a friend last night. She mentioned a girl we both know who was being harassed. I sat up. All concern. What happened, I asked. Well, some chap who'd taken a fancy to her had been emailing and SMSing a lot, had asked her out several times, that kinda thing. I snorted. That's not harassment, I said, that's a dumbf*** who doesn't get the message. And then I had this flash: the road-side romeos, they're doing just the same thing – they don't do the flowers and asking-out-to-a-date thing, but it's really only because they haven't been grown up learning that kind of courtship ritual. It's just a different culture thing. Take away the, um, "sophistication" levels, and we're still talking unwanted attention here.

And that's where I'm stuck; I fancy a woman, I ask her out, is that harassment? I think not.

When a guy looking at a woman with admiration – or trying to strike up a conversation, or asking her out – is labelled "harassment," a line is crossed. I'm quite likely to do some of that (well, okay, just the leching part, I lack nerve to do more than that, usually), and I don't see myself as a predator by any stretch of the imagination. And as I long as I have hormones and eyesight – alas, one is aging, so that may not be long – I will continue to say a mental hubba-hubba-va-va-voom whenever I happen to spot a woman who meets my particular standards of attractiveness.

Anyway. Let's leave my dilemmas out of this for the moment. Where was I? Yes.

Over the last few days, reading the posts that have begun coming up around the blog-a-thon, I have been feeling .. shell-shocked. Not at the content – female friends have told me more and worse – but at the sheer numbers. And the pent-up rage that one sees coming to the surface. And I have begun to think that while I still don't agree that ogling is harassment, I can understand why so many women think so.

What, aside from that, pushed me to finally post? Several things.

I think it was reading, somewhere on some news site during my insomniac wanderings, which one I can't remember, that ridiculous euphemism once more: eve teasing. Jeeze. Teasing. Therein lies a problem. The media needs to stop using that antiquated term that makes it sound like a boys-will-be-boys lark and tell it like it is. If some creep paws a woman, say he pawed her, for god's sake.

I think it was several memories coming to the surface.

Like this once, way back when I was fresh-faced youth (yes, there was such a time), I had an elderly perve groping my crotch in a crowded train. Crowded or not, I reached down, got hold of his little finger and bent it backwards. Crowded or not, he managed to wiggle his way quickly to the other side of the train.

That was just once. I cannot begin to imagine what my life would be like if I had to go through this every day.

Like this other time, years later, in a train with a female friend, as we were getting off at a crowded station, she whispered to me, that guy behind me is pinching me. The rush of people getting on and off was a bit of a hindrance, but as we got out, I reached out and caught his neck, and slammed him against a pillar. His friends came to his rescue, trying to pick a fight. Ask this b*********d what he was doing I yelled in my tattered Hindi. A crowd, as crowds do, quickly formed. Beat the m**********d up someone suggested helpfully. The pals quickly changed their tune. Let him go, he's young or something to that effect. I lose my temper rarely, when I do, I see red. My friend pulled me away. Let it go, she said, probably concerned that I would burst a blood vessel. I wish I hadn't. Maybe I scared him enough. Somehow, I think not.

Partly, it was the memory of, over the years, female friends telling me of walking hunched, with a file held across the chest; of carrying knives in their purses; of being felt, groped, touched, pinched every day for years. Some have retaliated, hit out, made a scene. Most haven't. They've been told to let it go, don't make a scene, it happens all over, there's nothing you can do.

I also remembered a prize-winning essay by Meenakshi Shedde (Outlook's rejecting my password, so I can't point you to the link or remember her exact words, but it was either the 2000 or 2001 Outlook Picador contest.) which said something about "boyfriend clothes"; clothes you could only wear when you were with a man.

I also remember an essay by Meenakshi Shedde, one that was short-listed in the Outlook Picador contest in 2001 [Thanks to Dilip, who, incidentally, won second prize that year, I can now quote the relevant passage]:

Besides, my dress sense is relatively conservative, covering most of my body. Minis and plunging necklines are mostly in the realm of what I call `boyfriend clothes' -- clothes best worn with a boyfriend attached: a single woman wearing them draws so much unpleasant attention from the men in the streets, it is simply not worth the bother.

Is there a point to all this? Kind of. Here it is. If a woman is physically assaulted every day to the point where she carries a constant kernel of suspicion and rage around with her; if a woman within reach of a man's hands in situations where he thinks he won't get caught is touched inappropriately more times than not; if a woman can't wear what she wants to when she wants to (and don't give me that lame-arsed twaddle about respecting culture – if paunchy men can wander around in public in striped chuddies, shirtless, scratching their privates, it is hypocritical to want women to cover up), then something's very, very wrong.

So, will this blog-a-thon matter a solitary damn? I'm sceptical. It will, by and large, preach to the converted. Such trolls and plain weirdos as may happen by will not see reason. But, hey who knows. It will bring some attention to the matter. Maybe get some media coverage. At the very least, if some women speak of their rage for the first time, and find some release in it, if some woman can walk proud and erect, if some angry women stops tarring all men with the same brush .. and if even one man looks at this problem differently after this blog-a-thon, perhaps a beginning will have been made.

After I wrote this, and was agonising about whether to post it, I happened to be chatting with a friend. And in my usual decisive way, I dumped this post on her, asked her for an opinion. Post, she said. Yes, it rambles, she said, kindly not going on to say, hey, who expects anything else from you? We discussed a few other blog-a-thon posts we'd both read. And she said something that summed it up for me better than I could have. So, with Megha's permission, here we go:

Who are Roadside Romeos? Are they some separate branch of society different from us? We, blog readers = respectable. They, RRs = scum of the earth? I think that line that some of us have in our mind is what this blog-a-thon somewhat blurs. Perhaps, in reading the testimonies of women everywhere, there may be men who sit up and realize that what they think is harmless is perhaps not so harmless. Perhaps, in reading the testimonies of innocent men who have unfairly been subject to angry glares, there will be women who will sit up and realize that not all men are scum. Perhaps we will come away on the whole realizing that things are a lot more nuanced than we see them as.

And another thing too - when a malaise is as commonplace as 'street harassment / eve teasing' is, we become somewhat indifferent to it. A problem that we are at most times, content to ignore, until and unless it directly affects us. Shy away from uncomfortable truths or live in blissful denial of it. But perhaps, on reading the posts written on this topic, some of us will, at least in our heads, stop pretending that the problem is the rest-of-the-world's alone. It is very much ours as well. And isn't that an essential part of solving any problem - to start by acknowledging that it exists?

Ranjit Warrier for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T02:11:00.001+05:30

Given the recent blogathon to raise awareness of 'eve-teasing', or harassment (both verbal and physical) that women in Indian cities are exposed to while going about their daily lives, I decided to write something about self-defense. I'm very interested in defence affairs, both of nations as well as individuals, and it's been a long-standing arguement of mine that women have to be given self-defense lessons in school. For too long we have kept our women actively away from sports and physical disciplines for no good reason. I would like a revival of our ancient martial arts (heh heh of course I pick the mallu one), taught compulsarily to girls in school, and any guys who would like to learn. This would go a long way in ensuring a population that has the confidence to take care of itself. No more of nobody will marry a girl who has bruises on her knees and stuff like that. If our roadside romeos know that the girl can fight back, I'm sure they will think a few times before commenting. Or maybe not, and they get bashed up for it. Either way, the streets/buses will be a safer place. I want to commend the blogathon organizers because as long as people don't talk about it, it will remain a problem. After all, the Rani of Jhansi wasn't that far back in history.

थोडे दिनों पहले २०० भारतीय महिलाओं ने अपने संकट बताए ईव-टीसिंग से। मुझे भी नहीं पता था कि यह इतनी बड़ी समस्या है, उनके कहने से पता लगा कि महिलाऐं जब बाहर जातीं हैं तो उनहें बड़ी धिक्कत होती है लोगों के बातें सुनकर और उनपर हमला भी होता है। लड़का होने के कारण मैंने कभी यह महसूस नहीं किया लेकिन अगर मैं उनके जगह होता तो मुझे बहुत गुस्सा आता और ज़रूर मारा-मारी हो जाती। मेरे पास इस समस्या का हल है, जो मैं बहुत से लोगों को बता चुका हूँ और अब इन्टर्नेट पर कह रहा हूँ। हमें अपने लड़कियों को पाठशाला में लड़ाई कैसे करते हैं यह सिखाना होगा। लड़के तो यह वैसे भी पढ़ जाते हैं, लेकिन लड़कियों को पढाना बहुत ज़रूरी है। इससे अपने गली वाले शेर चूहे बन जाएंगे, अगर नहीं बने तो लड़कीयों के हाथों पिटेंगे। अगर लड़कियाँ अपनी सुरक्षा करना जान जाऐं तो शायद शहरें उनके लिए कम भयानक जगह होंगी। लेकन इस विशय पर चरचा होने से अच्छा ही होगा, अगर उन लोगों को पता चले कि उनके वाक्य और कर्म कितने हानिकारक होते हैं। अपने मर्दों को भी पता चले कि झान्सी की राणी अभी भी भारत मे मौजूद हैं।

mish-mish aka Raghu for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T02:03:00.002+05:30

Line Hodiadhu

I don't want to give the impression that my social life revolves around this Free Speech conference a fortnight ago, but that seems to be the case.

On the first day, VS and I skipped the movie because the Blank Noise meeting was at my place later that evening, and I needed to shove my clothes under the bed. I'd spent all day in the vicinity of Lawrence Liang, so I was quite tipsy on the idea that any restraints on speech or expression tend towards tyranny. We were swaggering up Kasturba Gandhi Marg looking for an auto, and a woman, slimly attractive in that Delhi-Delhi way, was walking past us, and I was hardly aware of it before a "KWAAAAWOO..." began to squeeze out of my throat. VS gave me an incredibly violent pout, though, and the catcall receded before it could make too much of a racket. Then VS took me by the arm and shepherded me home before I could damage my self-opinion any further.

There is absolutely no moral to this story, although I spent a while trying to derive one. The closest I got was
(1) damn, she was hot, I wish she'd looked at me, and
(2) don't be such a dick, Rags.

There is a deep-set paradox in trying to be an ally (and by an ally I mean the Swarthmore connotation, someone offering support and solidarity to the members of a group who face a kind of disadvantage that he or she does not), particularly in trying to be a straight male ally to women's fronts against sexism. The paradox is nothing complicated: in trying to combat sexism, you're trying to strip yourself of an archaic right that you're usually aware of still wanting. Some people, the pessimistic type, would say its an attempt to take arms against your biological hardwiring. I dont know about any of that, but I'm calling myself RAM until proven ROM (sorry, people who know what those mean).

Still, this paradox lends itself to a certain type of misbehaviour: the temptation to use progressive politics as a foil against examining your own attitude, or worse, to collect feminist cred without making much effort to put your own chauvinist impulses in order. Its quite likely that I'm as much a perpetrator as I am an ally. Do I just want everyone else to change? "Look," says Anand, in his prudent, politically-weathered manner, "I don't think it's hypocrisy if you put it that way. Obviously as men we're all mysogynist and there's no conquering our mysogyny once and for all. As I see it, thinking we've got the answer to mysogyny is accepting it, in a way. Remaining self-critical is the only way to be a male ally."

* * *

A good place to go to get it all in perspective is Cairo. Cairo is an extraordinarily woman-unfriendly place, although I dont know what the city is like to anyone behind a niqab. Probably quite uneventful. But anyway, Cairo is not like Riyadh is, by all reports, that honestly dystopian way. Gender relations on the streets of Cairo have the kind of passive-aggressive nature that overlies a deep schizophrenia.

I spent seven months there, okay? So I know everything about Cairo.

It starts with politics: colonialism, which is always self-explanatory. Then economics: a country, and a regime, that is heavily reliant on tourism, the second largest source of revenue after textiles. Then civic dynamics: gaggles of Italian tourists drifting through Islamic Cairo in tubetops and Daisy Dukes, while their guides pointedly feign laissez faire attitudes to clothing. A couple of reductivist steps down the ladder: a culture of street harassment like nothing I have ever seen.

Unless my memory is hyperbolizing to me, visiting the Khan el Khaleeli with girls could be overwhelming - hands, hands, everywhere, hands, incomprehensible voices, more hands - with a thoughtless rapidity that leaves you looking more like a baffled spectator than a heroic protector (another problematic point). Most frighteningly, a lot of those hands and comments belong to boys too young to know what they're reaching for, picked up like any bad habit from older brothers.

One afternoon, after class, a friend of mine walked home across the bridge and through Gezira. Our hostel was in the diplomatic area, so every street junction had a pair of bored national guardsmen fiddling with their rifles and kicking dust at each other. This afternoon she was wearing a long brown skirt, right down to her feet, and a loose collared shirt, I remember the outfit quite clearly. She passed a policeman who was tilting his head back, drinking water from a Baraka bottle. Then he straightened up, and spat a mouthful of water all over her.

She was exquisitely graceful under fire. She walked back to our hostel, calmly told us what had happened and retired to her room to be upset in peace. I went out with the receptionist and caught an officer, demanded to know what he was going to do about it. He winced and smiled and shrugged, this is ordinary stuff, ya basha, you indignant foreigners are such pests. We bullied him for a while. "Tell me what you want me to do," he offered, rhetorically.
"Scalp him!" I screamed, in English. Then in Arabic, the correct response, "You are his officer. Cannot him keep doing this. I said what happened. You do what is appropriate."
"Taaban!" he exclaimed, "Very good, sir. I will do that!" And, nodding to me, he stormed off vengeantly in the opposite direction.

* * *

My point is not to absolve India of its transgressions - of course not. I'm trying to situate harassing behaviour, very clearly, at an intersection of social determination, institutional sanction and individual choice. That helps me understand the three fronts on which it can be combatted, and it helps me understand my own position as both the subject and the object of that struggle. Each one of those fronts is a point of opportunity as well as of resistance, and they do not necessarily move in concert, which can disguise true progress as it occurs. The paradox I described earlier is the sight of these opportunities and resistances knocking against each other.

Each front is one in which something can be seized - the editing of a popular magazine, a penal code, an autodriver's collar - and made to contemplate the simplicity of something better, and how that simplicity flies in the face of its resistance. I doubt that, in my lifetime, the streets around my home will become a place where no one feels uncomfortable, demeaned or violated because of their sex or sexuality. We'll never fix society, or the police or the judiciary, or people.

I'm pretty sure, though, that each of them has an unrealized capacity to want to be an agent of fairness while also being a beneficiary of unfairness. To seed the streets with that paradox - to make them a place where people enter with the desire to respect each other, even if they do have bad habits or wild hormones - that doesnt seem like as much of a fantasy. It seems quite doable, really. What a petite ambition. But what a place to be proud of.

* * *

Today is International Women's Day. I wrote this as part of the Blank Noise Project blogathon. Keep on keepin' on.

You think I dont know the word for 'appropriate' in Arabic, but its munasib, sucka.

Raghu + made the Blank Noise blogathon happen. He was part of the team that planned it and gave it shape. Thank you Raghu. Smita ( for proposing the idea), Harneet +

Sportolysis for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T01:58:00.000+05:30

More than 150 Indian Bloggers have joined The Blank Noise Project to highlight the harassment of women on Indian streets. Why should any one have to bear indignity because of the gender?

I have had my women friends speak on harassment, leering they have to go through. Not being a woman, I am not the right person to speak from personal experience on the issue. Only a woman can truly express how she feels on the issue.

I am all for equality though and in that vein, am strongly behind the intentions of the cause. I would like to highlight on the state of equality in sport in general taking this opportunity. Most sports have a far less following for the women’s game compared to the men’s game. Tennis, athletics apart how many games can you think of where you can recount names of women sports people? Do they try less or are the games less interesting to watch?

Why is there hardly a following for Women’s football, cricket, basketball, et all? Apart from the lack of general interest of people, the participation of women is also far behind because of society at large. Indian, Pakistani women are discouraged to play in the sun as it is apparently going to cause their skin to become darker, hence ugly. People don’t want to marry dark women. White skin is supposedly more beautiful. India does not have the WNBA but the Women’s Railways Basketball team has just as dedicated and sincere players.

Most of those who do manage to play the game have to retire way before they reach their prime. Pressure from parents and society to marry is too much to resist beyond a point. These problems are specifically worse in the subcontinent. When sports people sacrifice marriage, kids in many countries, in the subcontinent such bold decisions are looked down upon rather than being applauded.

I was watching a small segment on television which highlighted how young the current Pakistani Women’s cricket team is. A former captain might still have been captain if she had not married. If some one represents the country in sport, I would imagine that should be reason to be of. The husband should be supportive after marriage rather than rule out the woman following her passion.

If some one is able to defeat the social barriers, or is lucky not to encounter them, there is the financial barrier. There is hardly any money in most men’s sports. The situation is far worse where the women are concerned. Despite all this, an India has managed P.T.Usha, Sania Mirza. It is ironic that most women athletes in India come from poor back grounds. The higher the social strata, the bigger the taboo of a woman sports person.

The problem is global though much more in various countries and societies. The Aussie Women’s Football team got a lot of attention when they bared all for a nude calendar. An American woman’s footballer got attention when she opened her jersey in joy after scoring a goal. A Sharapova can gain attention for her grunts but not her game.

An Anna Kournikova will earn more than an Amelie Muaresmo just because Mauresmo a lesbian and not as attractive to the consumers and hence not as much in demand. Mauresmo will be number 1 in one of the follow two weeks with Clijsters likely to remain injured for the near future. But the market will not chase her. It tells more about the mind set of the consumers, the general sports fan than any thing else. Martina Navratilova (also a lesbian) has been a pioneer for the women’s tennis game in more ways than just in the tennis court but obviously, seeing as things stand, there is a long way to go still.

Sexual harassment does not even come into the picture when the women’s sports are hardly highlighted. It exists. There is hardly a doubt regading the same. Olympic 200 metre Bronze medalist in the 2000 Sydney games, Susantha Jayasinghe, tested positive for drugs in 1998. A drug test which Jayasinghe accused of being rigged because of her political beliefs. She even accused a Sri Lankan politician of sexual harassment. Jayasinghe was cleared of charges and was due to participate in Athens, 2004 before a leg injury.

Was Jayasinghe guilty? I do not and cannot know. What I do know is that there are far more barriers a woman has to over come than just those in the sporting arena. Sexual harassment is just one of the problems. It is a darker problem and hardly comes into public knowledge. Only a woman sports person might be able to say how bad the situation is.

I am proud of the women’s sportspersons, specially those the subcontinent manages to come up with despite all the issues. I hope you are prouder after reading the current piece.

blog-a-thon 2006

Pavan- for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T01:42:00.001+05:30

This Post will deal about my opinions about Street harassment for Blank Noise Project. I chanced upon this blog and liked their idea and started reading the links which were posted and thought I should add my 2 cents to it. Every link that originates from this has experiences of women who have been harassed in the bus or on the road. I thought I should write about this coz i want people to understand what it is to stand on the other side in the guy's shoes. Street Harassment isn't done only by people who are un-educated and who lived all their life in agony with no one to care about them. It is done in IIT-Madras as some one pointed out. It is done by people who are brought up in good families. It is experienced by every girl in some walk of their life. Every one has a story... Why do guys want to do this? Let me tell you it is not fun it brings upon life long tremendous guilt on the guy just as it brings a life long of unforgettable dirty experience for a girl. Yes you heard it right the guy feels guilty. I am not talking about people who do it for sadistic pleasure but guys from well brought up families who really can’t come in terms with their changing hormones. Guys who don't know whom to turn to. Just an average guy who represents more than 3 people of the 5 you meet every hour. Guys who know that their whole life will be spoiled if the girls just takes up the fight and reports to the police but still can’t stop themselves. It is after all a five minute pleasure which will bring you to earth if you jerk off. So is Sex it is also a five minute experience which is basis of all evolution of Man-Kind. Please try to understand I am not advocating that this kind of thing should happen. I still shudder when I read some of the blogs in blank noise. All I am trying to point out is the society is failing miserably in this regard. Our parents shy away to discuss things like this with us. We are not comfortable with our bodies. There is still a lot of gap between boys and girls in understanding each other. I am sure you will agree with me that Street harassment is more in the recent times than a few generations back. That makes me think.. ok their parents are still the same. They shyed away from their children But, still it is less why... This is my personal opinion... I attribute it to the way the girls brought changes to their life style in the recent times. They came a long way be it professionally or personally they have set great examples for men. They fought for their right place in the society... this is a damn great thing... I am proud of these women... I feel there are still hundreds of men who are not able to keep pace with this fact. Frankly speaking I feel this change could have been handled in a better way
Dressing is an important aspect. Many people rote that it is bull shit to argue woman to change the way they dress. An argument which is always put across when this is told is that women wearing saris and burka are not spared from street harassment. But, do you think street Harassment is impulsive I don guess so. The emotions well up in people and when they can’t hold it any longer then they resort to means which brings a shame upon the society. Many people rote that they resort to wearing loose T-shirts and Salwar when they go in public transport why do you resort to wearing stuff like that when street harassment doesn't care what you wear. I am not suggesting that immediately all the women in India should stop wearing provocative dresses. Let times open up. We are still a conservative society. Every one has a right to wear what they are comfortable in but, micro skirts and short tops with lots of skin show. I really doubt if someone will be comfortable in them. I personally feel they wear them to attract attention.
People got to be careful. All the MMS Clips making rounds and exposing in the movies is just making things much worse. Teenagers are getting affected. If your boy friend suggests we make a clip don't girls things how dangerous that proposition is and what kind of guy they are dealing with...
There is no end to this argument. This can go on forever. To summarize I suggest girls to be more careful and parents to educate their children... Your silence is your enemy. I know the societal pressure is really something which is impossible to handle. But if you want to bring a change in the society bold steps got to be taken. Next time someone touches you and if you know who is doing it. Please don't keep your mouth shut and bring a sadistic pleasure to the guy who will not only stop doing it but also encourages his friends to do it. Stand up to him and do whatever you can make him realize he is doing wrong. A slap, a punch, a shout which will make him ashamed. Do something. Women sure are changing and i sincerely believe it is just a matter of time even this social stigma goes forever from our lives and our future women generations live much better...

Sunny/ Pickled Politics for the Blank Noise blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T01:27:00.001+05:30

Yesterday was International Women’s Day which I nominally regard as a silly PR stunt. However this time it would be right to plug The Blank Noise project – a blog based campaign against harassment of women in India. The Indian blogosphere has quite admirably been very supportive of the project but that should come as no surprise since it’s populated by educated, liberal types.

I hope the project moves out of the blogosphere in a sustainable and concrete form so it can move away from preaching to the converted so to speak. Also admirable is their unwillingness to tolerate statements such as “Wear what you want! You just want to be leeched at right?” My hats off to the women, who have been running the project for a year now.

Lately on time- for the Blank Noise blogathon(2006)

2009-12-01T01:12:00.000+05:30

I sat in the far end of the café at the end of the world, trying to ignore time and let my thoughts coil and uncoil in the dungeons of my mind. At eight in the evening on a Monday, the world, for all I cared, could march straight to apocalypse now and I would have strewn flowers in its way and smashed a bottle of champagne on its back. There is something manic about Mondays (as the song goes) that calls for a certain morbidity and snap-at-life-ness. However, here, in the sanctum of coffee fumes engulfed, in a snuck corner with nothing but a sheer wall behind me and the rest of the world stretching away from my toes, I felt the self sinking into a comfortable inertia.

On the table next to mine, gelled and calvin klined, sat five men – specimen of what globalised consumption, rich parents and good education can do to people – talking at the top of their voices, showering hi-fives to each other, laughing, roaring, making jokes, having a ball of a time wrapped in their indifference to therestoftheworld. It was the mobile brigade, their phones always on the beep and their hands punching keys even as they talked under the neon hued tree-scape. I smiled at them, over the rising vapours of my cup, with benign amusement – old age comes with tolerance for that which reminds one of one’s own younger days, when one sat on the roads, around an old wizened man strewing cups of tea served in thick glasses, and felt disconnected from the traffic that passed us by; the hours, the days, the years.

Time tiptoed around me, knowing quite well that one false step and I would have killed it with a flat note. And just when I was feeling divinely alone – like god in his heaven, flipping over pages in an old, old book – she walked in. I am not particularly sure how to describe her but if Byron were alive, he would have stirred out of his hashish induced stupor and poked me in my ribs with a familiarity that the Romantics had perfected, and issued a small whistle and said, ‘Now that’s what I meant when I said, ‘Walks in beauty like the night’ ’ before sliding back into his hallucinogenic world.

With quick unhurried steps, she climbed the stairs and made the entire room gasp – a thing of beauty joy forever – and with a smile that would have lit a couple of African nations for a year and a tilt of the head that could have changed seasons, she walked in. Her stride was unconcerned, her hands, covered in many bangles tinkled as they swayed. She punctuated her walk with a comma, perched, as if in mid-air, to sweep the room with her eyes and then traipsed along to the far corner of the triangular room that we were all entombed in. You could see that she was happy. She smiled at strangers – something you generally don’t do in big cities unless you are begging or waiting to be picked up, she irradiated a certain all’s-well-with-the-worldness around her that was infectious. The room felt a better place, now that she was there. In her eyes, one could see traces of a secret joy that she was fostering – nothing in specific, just the joy of somebody who was happy to be alive.

People smiled back at her; momentarily taken aback, but caught in the wave of happiness that she was riding, but eventually giving in. The waiters all watched with their breaths held up, to see which table she descended on. And as she walked certain steps towards where I was sitting, there was a sudden lull in her stride. A chance word or comment from the GAP Group, as I called them in my mind, stopped her in midair as if she was frozen in time. As she stopped, there was a huge roar of laughter and the more courageous man – one shall call him that for lack of a better word – stood up and walked quickly to where she was standing. On the pretext of going nowhere he brushed against her and let his hand hover over her back, closer to the legs than you would have liked to imagine. And then with a look of a hyena that had found its prey, sauntered back to his table, his head held high and his pants tenting in the traces of a power erection.

It happened so fast that the only spectator to this whole thing was me and the bastids who were flocked at the table, their faces split in indecent glee and their eyes covered with a sheen of machismo, now that they had collectively conspired against a single woman in a public place. Her face was registering shock, like somebody had suddenly slapped her with a wet sponge. Her eyes were wide with the unexpected and quivering in anger. Her nostrils were dilating and her body was erect, caught in a rage that had no defining. I looked in horror back at her, wondering what to do next. What does one do next? Does one get up and preach to the bastids – the sons of bachelors, the gutter rats? Does one avenge the woman’s ‘honour’? Does one get up and shrug shoulders and leave it at that because that’s how the world functions? Does one join in, showing camaraderie to the macho men that they are? Does one pretend that it never happened? Does one make a mental note in the mind, only to quickly pile it up with something else? Does one naturalise it because come on, it happens every day to everybody, right?

Questions, at the speed of hemp fumes, rushed in my mind as I half sat and half stood, unable to reach a decision. Our eyes met and silently I offered her any help that she might have needed. But before I could stand up and offer any help of any sort, she turned. Taking slow and calculated steps she reached the roadside romeo who had just violated her, swung her hand in a style that would have made Sania Mirza gasp in envy and gave one tight resounding slap on his cheek. Swearing in styles that would have immediately made the censor board issue an A certificate, calling upon their mothers and sisters to the oldest professions in the world, she emptied a cup of hot coffee on a gelled head and then quietly walked back towards where I was sitting.

The silence in the room was palpable. The entire populace was staring between the two tables, from her to them, as if it was a tennis match. The rug rats had visibly shrunk, their eyes wide in horror. The Slapped sod was on the verge of tears and the others were doing a fine imitation of a rabbit caught in headlights. One slap and an overturned cup was all that was required to deflate their hormone fed masculinity. In two minutes, they had disappeared, their lesson learnt, hopefully thinking twice before ever engaging in casual eve teasing…

It needs people like her to remind at least half of MAN kind that even Adam, when he had walked up to Eve and made a pass, had a red cheek and a kick in his balls for the action. Eve teasing is a crime and to let it pass of as a joke, perhaps even bigger. Sexual harassment is an act of violation and violence and deserves to be punished – sometimes informally and sometimes through the law, depending upon the nature of it. It needs people like her to fight it. And it needs everybody who agrees with it, to support the fight. This is not a battle of the sexes – men versus women; it is the battle between people who care and people who don’t. Whether man or woman, if you see an act of sexual harassment, no matter how miniscule it might be, no matter who it is targeted at, do not ignore it or detach yourself from it. What happened to her could happen to anybody we know – men or women. And sometimes just your presence or solidarity gives the victim enough courage to right things up.

It is women’s day today and as a part of the Blank Noise Blogathon, I endorse the need to fight actively against sexual harassment in public spaces around us.

India Uncut for the Blank Noise Blogathon (2006)

2009-12-01T01:10:00.001+05:30

Of many violations:
This post is my contribution to the Blank Noise Project, which I support and applaud.

It feels strange to write this post, part of the Blank Noise Project Blogathon to protest eve-teasing and harrassment, for one simple reason: I'm a man. Till recently, I didn't quite understand the extent to which women are violated every day in India, in so many different ways, and that there are no exceptions to this -- you step outside the house, you're a body. I'm not sure I can understand what it must be to be treated like meat. Never happened to me.

When I walk with female companions in crowded places in Mumbai, like railway stations, I often walk directly in front of them, to clear the way, or behind them, to make sure they don't get felt up. So many of my female friends, when I ask, tell me stuff they've gone through that seems shocking to me, but is everyday to them. A touch here, a grope there, push, squeeze, hold, pinch, being reduced to tits and ass. Bloody hell, I'm lucky to be a man; and a part of me says I should be ashamed to feel that way.

When a woman is violated, of course, it is not just in a physical sense: looking does it too. You live in an Indian city? Notice the men when a pretty woman walks by in a public place sometime, see where their eyes are. Nice breasts, no? Such an ass. See how she walks, thumak thumak ke. Ah, how you'd like to...

I suppose women are used to the male gaze, and I can't imagine how. But everytime a man talks disparagingly about letches, he's being hypocritical, to some extent or the other. After all, we all 'check out' women fairly often. If we're male, we have the gaze. Maybe we've just learnt to make it less obvious. One man's checking out is another man's letching. Where do you cross the line?

Well, where you certainly do cross the line is when the look becomes the touch. Why are Indian men in Indian cities so free with their hands? Well, because by a lack of adequate condemnation and punishment, there is a sort of social sanction for it. Now, while men probably can't imagine what women go through in crowded buses and trains, they can put a stop to it. Instead of turning a blind eye to what is happening around us -- minding our own business, avoiding trouble -- we can raise our voice, and even our hands, if we spot someone violating a woman's space. Every time one of us does this, shames a molester in a public space, we change that public space just a little bit, and make it harder for the next guy to go overboard. And even if we don't know the woman we're helping out, we're making things a little bit easier for the women we do know and care about.

So that's my own resolution, and my plea to the men out there. What can I say to the women that so many other women haven't blogged about eloquently already? There's nothing new to say, but I'll just say this: it's not your fault and you shouldn't have to put up with it, so don't. Be like Hemangini famously was in the train to Chennai. Be strong.

Not like us male schmucks.

ZIP YOUR INTENTION

2009-10-05T15:56:00.004+05:30

poster designed by BN Guy / BN Action Hero Kinshuk Surjan.

BN guy Arun

2009-09-17T12:49:00.000+05:30

Last year I was in Hyderabad at a pub called Sparks. Was there with a dear female friend and we were catching up over a few drinks. Now Sparks used to be a cool place about 8 years back and is pretty run down now with hardly any mixed crowd coming there at all. In a word, it has become seedy.

We were there only for nostalgic reasons and found it odd that the only other customers at the place were two young women. My friend and I found it decidedly odd and while on the way back from the little boys room I stopped by and asked them (very politely) why they had chosen this pub in spite of its condition..i explained that we were there only for nostalgic reasons and were curious if there could, indeed, be more people there for the same reason..

To this one of the girls nearly bit my head off. And made me feel I had tried to tease/intimidate them. I was surprised that she reacted like that, apologized and made my way back to my table. There was nothing in my body language to suggest anything close to what she implied.

I apologized again on the way out for having offended them but can't think why I should have today.

BN GUY Shrikar Marur: street tales of love lust and possible misinterpretations

2009-08-26T21:15:00.002+05:30

The street is one public/ transitory space that I have occupied with utmost consciousness or the absolute lack of it. The street it one space that I have always traversed the quickest and been most lost in thoughts. Every time I am on a street, depending on the purpose of my being on the street, my body language changes. When I am in a hurry to reach or leave a space and hence am on a street, I would not notice anything or anybody but just try reaching the required destination. On the other hand, if I were in a street like Brigade road or Commercial st, I would walk slowly, looking at the billboards, looking at people etc.

For the most of my time at public spaces, it is spent by looking at the whole space and not people in particular. Even when I do look at people, it is never to establish eye contact or to attempt conversing with strangers. This one time, however, I had an interaction with this stranger that I hope was a misinterpretation.

Domlur bus stop, 22:00 hrs.

After a visit to a friend's place for an evening, I decided to take a bus from Domlur to Koramangala in an attempt to save some money that I would have otherwise spent on auto and ironical as it was, ended up spending a little more than what I would have if I had taken an auto ride back home on the first place.Walking for about half a kilometer through dark alleys that eventually led to an ever darker bus depot that was so empty and ill lit, that I was absolutely certain that about half a dozen hired goons would surround me and I would, if Indian cinemas have taught me anything, would have to establish my worth by fighting them in the most unimaginable ways imaginable. Unfortunately, that did not happen and I just had an uneventful walk around the bus depot trying to figure out the duration of my possible wait for the next bus, only to notice that I was the only one at the bus depot which meant I had just missed a bus and the fact that the space was no longer accumulating people meant that the bus I had just missed was possibly the last bus for the day. Walking out the depot, I noticed this one man, in his early thirties, his attire clearly signifying his social and financial background, standing, leaning against the wall that separated the depot from the main road looking around, and this was noticeable as no one waiting for a bus or wanting to board a bus would wait against a wall as it would be visually challenging for him to follow buses that would enter or leave the depot. Not speculating his presence or actions or the lack of it, I just walked past him trying to hold an auto with no passenger that would probably pass the depot looking for the wise people like myself who planned their evening well enough to miss the last bus.

Answering a call from a friend and talking to him not-so discreetly, I was rather obvious about my ethnicity with my conversation in Tamizh and the dialect. Half way through the rather unimportant but very engrossing conversation with my friend, I heard a whistling sound from the man resting against the wall. Writing the first few calls off as attempts to entertain himself or trying to stop autos that I realized weren't around, I slowly reacted to the periodical whistles that were increasing in frequency and decibels. Turning around in response to the whistles, i realized the whistles were not for an auto as I hoped them to be but for me. Trying to get over my shock of such an act from a stranger, I saw him trying to usher me into a darker corner of an already dark space. Looking at his hand pointing to a bag, it hit me that he was probably trying to make a drug deal with me or was a pimp and misconstrued my presence there as looking for some action. Every elapsing second of my presence there and my responding to his very existence only made him presume I was interested in him and his deals and he grew more obvious and loud in his gestures of trying to probably signal to me something that I failed to comprehend. I knew it would be a terrible idea for me to be there even for a second longer and just walked at a pace that would not result in my running but fast enough for me to get to the adjoining main road that held the first rays of street lights that seemed a lot more to me than just rays of light to light up the street. Not looking back and not acknowledging his calls, I walked across the main road little caring for the oncoming traffic and crossed a 2ft divider to ensure I was in a safer space and contrary to my usual routine of getting into a long debate with auto drivers over the tariff, I just got into the fist auto that agreed to take me to Koramangala, not even questioning him about the charge.

Two years hence, there have been other instances that have surpassed this incident in terms of its "shock" value, but this this incident is one of the most unforgettable one of the lot as I as a spectator or a participant have always been better prepared and have managed to handle the subsequent situations better.

Shrikar is a student at Srishti School of Art Design and Technology. He wrote this while doing a workshop with Blank Noise. more here!

BN guy Kinshuk for ' street tales of love lust and possible misinterpretations'

2009-08-25T11:03:00.003+05:30

After four years I saw a face in the market that truly resembled her, four years back she had left school and city due to unknown reasons. It was not as if we were good friends, boys and girls rarely talked to each other in school. But after four years, suddenly seeing her aroused curiosity and I felt compelled to talk to her. Without any second thought i started following her with a puzzled mind. She was not alone; an unknown face accompanied her, maybe one of her friends. With her fierce gaze the unknown face just turned to burn me with embarrassment. I wanted to shout and tell her “I am not following you, but just wanted to say hello to my classmate. “Anyway I felt defeated and decided to never repeat this mistake. But my heart was questioning what had I done so wrong? After an hour, when I was struggling to pull my scooty out, i noticed her again in a nearby cloth shop.

“should I”....”shouldn’t I”, “should I”....”shouldn’t i, “should I”....”shouldn’t I”...........

I finally decided not to directly confront her, but stand somewhere to make sure, she recognized.

I stood strategically at a place where she could see my reflection in one of the mirrors of the shop. And I am sure she did........ But before she could turn, I paced back towards my scooty.

Since then I have never seen her. I don’t even remember anything clearly about her, but I keep wondering why I left, what stroke me to leave all of a sudden.

Maybe because I really never knew if it was her, maybe because she had forgotten one of her classmates, maybe I was too embarrassed by previous incident to dare to stand there. Maybe.

Maybe, because we were strangers.

Kinshuk is a student at Srishti School of Art Design and Technology. He wrote this while doing a workshop with Blank Noise. More here!

Anubhav

2009-08-22T14:43:00.001+05:30

From Anubhav in 2007:

When Vaibhav Vats, the President of my college’s ‘Literary Society’ told me that the Society was organising a talk on sexual harassment and concerned issues, I, frankly speaking, did not expect to see or hear anything new or different from all that I already knew about the said subject.

I was wrong.

For not only did that seminar expose me to the hard realities of modern, urban life-realities which until now I, even though aware of them, had not chosen to believe in-but also, by putting these ‘inconvenient truths’ right before my very nose, made me, forced me, to look out of the cocoon of my own happy life into a larger scheme of things. This, I suppose, is the only reason why I’m writing to you even though it’s been almost three and a half months since that seminar.

Like most people, I too had my peculiar set of ideas, ideals and beliefs, all of which are close to me and not just determine my actions, but also shape my outlook. One such peculiar and, in light of this seminar of yours, perhaps outdated belief is in the essential goodness of humanity. While I still refuse to let go of this idea, your seminar did weaken its hold on me in a way that neither newspapers nor statisticians managed, for while the former has a negligible and fickle impact on the conscience, the latter is easy to dismiss if one were to emulate Mark Twain’s notorious example and dump it in the category off the third and, presumably, biggest lie. Hence, inspite of being an avid newspaper reader and inspite of being well aware of the statistician’s alarming conclusion about rapes being perpetrated every twenty-nine minutes in Delhi, I managed to stay blissfully ignorant of the real situation. This is not to say that I am not appalled when I read or get to know about incidents of sexual exploitation- it’s just that I would feel shocked and then move on to the next news item…

Therefore, when Annie Zaidi, Blank Noise started talking about how a huge, humongous majority of Indian women have been sexually harassed at some point or the other in their lives, I was taken aback. But when all the female members of the audience raised their hands in affirmative response to the question whether they had been sexually harassed, I was shocked! I mean, well, OK, I knew these unfortunate things happen, but that they happen in such huge percentages was a revelation that shook me. Agreed that there are no more knights in shining armour, but is this the age of knaves and monsters?...

From your seminar (and not just your but also the great many that followed it) it seems that it is. I cloud not believe my ears when the speaker went on to spell out some of the words from a collection dubiously titled as the ‘Eve-teasing Dictionary’. So great was my amazement and disgust that immediately after the seminar I cornered one of my (male) friends and asked him whether he had ever heard such words, such deeply derogatory and shameful words, being used. I was sure that here atleast I would get a confirmation of my views, my beliefs…

It was the second time in that day that I was proved wrong.

What that fellow told me left me speechless. It seems that seventeen and a half years in this city had not exposed me to one of its most rampant evils…

However, past experiences apart, I must first congratulate you and so, Blank Noise, for its praiseworthy efforts in fighting sexual harassment and then request you to put my e-mail address [anubhav.p16@gmail.com] on your mailing list (your representative at the seminar told us about this facility).

2009-07-30T13:42:00.000+05:30

http://blog.blanknoise.org/2009/07/street-sexual-harassment-could-be.html

2009-07-29T13:40:00.002+05:30

read as: " Are you a man or just not a man/ not man enough?"

Amul Advert. 2007.

Shreyasi Kar writes for BN GUY

2009-07-26T23:21:00.003+05:30

also posted at http://actionheroes.blanknoise.org 
Being stalked is not fun. Even when you know that it is not dangerous and harmless. Or maybe it seems like stalking only to me. For many others, including my “stalker”, its trying to woo or flirt. Maybe even being caring and protective. No wonder the whole school was surprised as to why I wasn’t madly in love with my stalker as yet. That was Jabalpur for me. A small town trying to get big. I was the newcomer there in 11th and everyone wondered which guy’s ‘girl’ I would become. Ofcourse it didn’t matter whether I even remotely liked the guy or not. Having come from Nagpur, (which by no means was a big bad city) Jabalpur, and then studying in K.V. felt like a culture shock of sorts. Suddenly talking to the guys of the class without any mission to be accomplished was too forward and reflected badly on your character. Openly going out with someone (NOT the stalker) was a matter that the principle brought up while talking about participating in a science fest, no wonder all my dates used to be at 10 am when for sure no one would see us together.  I hated the town and its culture for all of this. But after a point you stop being the rebel outsider and just fit in somewhere at the extreme end of the crazy culture, and actually start taking notice of the zillion subtle things happening. 
 
In any small town, your two-wheeler is your true BFF. And yes a major chunk of your social life and activities revolve around it. At one o’clock when the senior school gets over, you’ll see girls and boys spilling out of schools and line up along the road in groups. This is the 5 minutes that they’ll be getting for any sort of interaction. Looking straight at the guy you like/are going out with is not what good cultured girls do, therefore shy and coy glances are exchanged between the two parties by looking into the tiny rear-view mirror. Notes are exchanged in the form of ‘stray’ crumpled balls of paper that was obviously meant to hit a friend but hit the love interest ‘by mistake’. And if the note is read and not just left lying there or not torn up after reading, it means that the girl is yours. Immediately she is his girl and he is her protector. He’ll ‘drop’ her from home to school. From school to home. From home to the zillion coaching centres. From the zillion coaching centres to home. Day after day. And during all this smiles are exchanged through rear-view mirrors. Conversations happen only at traffic signals. If they are lucky, cellphone nos. will be exchanged. In order to not forget the no. both will be chanting it till they get home, and by this time they know the no. so well that there is no need to write it down any more. And then its love! 
 
What happens when the girl ignores the crumpled ball of paper, or tears it up? She is still ‘his girl’ and the most important mission is to ‘win’ her. He still becomes her ‘protector’ (read stalker) follows her around and ensures that no one else dares to play catch with crumpled balls of paper around her.  Orkut, email, and social networking makes stalking a little bit easier. And oh so sweet forwards spam her mail box and scrapbook. I always felt that the funda behind doing all this was ‘hate me or love me you can’t ignore me, (and soon enough you’ll love me)’ [ someone had actually written this – “sorry for without permission - entering your profile but if i say hi.......u may say whoz this.... if i ask for chat....u may say why??.... if i say i liked ur profile......u may say im flattering…” ] 
 
And what happens when you read and don’t tear up someone else’s letter? Hell breaks loose. Fist fights, punctured tires, suddenly empty fuel tanks, strange fake orkut id’s, etc is what you will be subjecting your new lover boy to! Not to forget a fresh torrent of lovey dovey forwards in your mail and very serious warnings about the honesty and integrity of the new lover boy in your life [someone had actually sent me a cell phone snap of my new lover boy talking to some other girl!] and all you can do is hope that this testosterone fuelled obsession dies out soon enough. If you are lucky, it dies out within 2-3 months of the entry of new lover boy. If your not, you may still be getting mails like – ‘thanks for accepting my rqest ...dear !
or kaise ho.....? pics to bohut saari hai par kuch hi dekh paya hu....u are really enjoying thr....may i know ur usual loggin tym......take care !’ 
 
Even after 2 years of having left school, moved to a different city, and graduating to facebook from orkut J

DSS:

2009-07-19T00:37:00.001+05:30

**

I've been reluctant to write all along because I don't want to sound moralistic about my opinions on 'eve-teasing' and other forms of harassment. But there is a lot of doubt, perhaps among women especially, about the reasons for harassment. I don't know if what I have to say will help, but for those who are interested in an academic effort it might offer some clues.

Growing up in Kerala, and having spent my most memorable childhood days there, exposed me to a different world. The 'difference' here is what UR Ananthamurthy talked of in an essay on his boyhood; the access to the backyard, or the women's area of the house. The frontyard (to Ananthamurthy) was always his father and his friends discussing the world, the big questions of politics and so on, while his mother's friends, gossipping in the backyard, would obviously indulge in 'women's talk'. Not that one form of gossip is higher than the other. 

My experiences were similar. When I was in Kerala for two months every year (the most memorable part of the year, I might add), I was always amidst women. This was until I was 12 or 13, after which one tends to rebel against being treated like a baby. The menfolk were generally away, on Army or other duties, and grandpa was the only male around. 

Anyway, what happened was that it opened me up to a world that is not obvious in the living room. The womenfolk had their pet pastime of talking of neighbours, and movies and so forth. There was another vocation -- the fortnightly women's magazine which ran serialised stories. All the women had a terrified fascination for one kind of story -- the rape. There would invariably be an illustration of a man tugging away at a woman's saree. The word 'balaalsangham' was spoken in whispers when they discussed those stories. It implied something horrific, unspeakable. 
I don't know if the stories were written by men or women. Looking back, I suspect they were written by men. Such things usually are.

So that was my earliest intimation that what mattered to men was very different from what mattered to women...

We used to go to the pond to bathe, early morning. I would go with the women (this was until I was ten or so). The pond had separate embankments for men and women... and (not surprisingly) there were always a couple of men at least ogling the women. 
And the women... they just felt disgusted. They felt helpless being stared at, but they had their own ways of getting back. They assigned nicknames to the oglers and discussed them with contempt. When they crossed them in the street, they looked through them, as if they were invisible.

Much, much later.... I discovered I couldn't sit through fashion shows (my college had a hugely popular annual inter-college fest with a fashion show) because to me it meant women being paraded in front of a bunch of oglers. 

**
I'm surprised when I'm told it's difficult for girls in Kerala. After all, my experiences were not unique. Given the matrilineal/ matriarchal system in Kerala, kids always grow up around the womenfolk. I don't know what happens when they get into their teens. My teens were not spent in Kerala. 

**

The horror of being construed as an ogler or harasser... even by accident! It cramps one in public, sure... for there is a fear of whistling or singing on the road or in the bus. Or even smiling inadvertently at a stranger. These are small privileges to give up; I think the girls have it much harder. (Why can't men keep their hands to themselves!)

How do I see eve-teasing?  I think it's part wooing behaviour, part misguided machismo, part bravado, part peer pressure. You get to hear war stories when you're among the boys in hostel (I was, for four years). The guys made it look like a conquest. A lot of this happened on buses... especially on the long-distance routes. There never seemed an element of shame in narrating those stories. I suspect a lot of their inspiration had to do with what our film heroes portray on screen, that the way to woo is to 'break' feminine resistance. Behave incorrigibly for long enough, and the maiden would be bowled (over). There are class questions too that come up, but that's for another time.

**

have you been a supandi?

2009-07-13T18:20:00.003+05:30

tell us if you think your behaviour has been misinterpreted:

email us at blurtblanknoise at gmail dot com

or fill this form here

Nimesh:

2009-07-10T12:14:00.002+05:30

I have been a very nice person and I am more sensitive towards girls.

Whenever I am in public, I make sure no female ever feels embarassed because of me.
I dont look at them just like that. If i have to interact for asking something, I look straight into eyes and ask plainly and then get away. I understand that females have the right to be free in public and atleast not to feel embarassed because of us. They have the right to be on their own. And I understand the psychological phenomenons happen at all those disturbing times. Come, 'half the world' deserves it surely.

However, being a man, there are times, and there are girls who are very cute, very beautiful that you just cant ignore them and they look that way also. Even in those cases, if I look at them, there's nothing else in mind other than praise for the beautiful face, and I say it to myself that she is beautiful, just so that my thought remains till that point only.
If I look at them, (thats generally for very short instance), I make sure that they or for that matter even the general public doesnt notice that I am "looking at a girl".
If the physical circumstances are such, that I can actually not look at them to see 'His' creation, then I Dont.
I have many female friends, and when I am with them, I try to behave like a protecting man. And at that time, I behave in the manner that I 'expect from other men'.

Somtimes, in public, I see school or college boys, talking and laughing very loudly, sometimes when girls are nearby (they may or may not be using *** language). At that time, it becomes difficult to define the crossing line of decency.On one hand, they have the right to talk and laugh loudly (they may be engaged in their own non-contextual stuff), on another hand, their behaviour is sometimes a consequence of presence of girls. You cannot define, cannot even object.

And ya, peeping in Autos, and even buses is rampant. In Delhi (unlike Bangalore, and Mumbai), the left row) almost 5 seats, in buses are resrved for ladies. And for the 'elements', this side is the favorite, whether they are outside the bus (for looking in while the bus stops), or inside the bus. They have a panache for standing on this side, and even sitting on reserved seats, and causing a row when they are asked to leave seat.

For me, I like to give the seat, but sometimes, u cannot keep giving seat to every girl, specially when they are in large numbers, like in Delhi Metro or a big girls' group, borading from a school or college stop.
Sometimes, in morning buses, I see office going young girls, whose faces (in different makes) depict what they r undergoing. The buses are crowded, half the conductors are insensitive, and they have to pass through dense male crowd. At these times, I surely offer seat to the nearmost female. And one must . Thats least u can do at that time.

I appreciate and also thank God that Mumbai is a safer city, than Delhi, and I have seen women travelling even at 12 in night. This is impossible in Delhi, unless its inevitable. Parents wouldnt simply allow at any cost, unless its the 'elite crowd'.

I am currently working on a plan to start a social business enterprise in Delhi, running on Women Empowerment. Was studying things for the same in Mumbai. I found Mumbai better, for starting the plan, but then, I live in Delhi, so its difficult. I'll surely seek help of BlankNoise whenever I start, for creating awareness among 'my women'. :-)

I often think, that for those men who, being in large numbers in buses (at times there is only a single female, in a crowd of say 20-25 men), think they are at liberty to behave the way they want, should be left in a big crowd of eve-teasing females :-D
Only, then they can realise what the mind undergoes in such situation, and empathise.

One prominent cause for all this, is the lack of sex education in schools. These habits of men are borne when they are in school. Within their peer groups, 'learning' from each other, they start these things while befriending girls (yes, thats true), and innocent girls dont even realise. Nobody puts a brake to them and their habits keep on 'nurturing', and unconsciously take on a anti-social perpective later. If they are taught in school itself, to respect the females, treat them as equals and good friends, I doubt anything like what we see today, should happen.
I remember, once my school principle (lady) had took to fury after some incidences, and gave a lecture in class (class 12). She openly quoted instances of boys indirectly leching at teachers, behind their backs, thru thoughts of gifting them 'clothes', and how boys were indirectly 'touching' girls, with the latter not even realising it. She asked girls to be more careful, and told boys to be ashamed. It caused a huge furore among students. They shared the story immaturely (mostly the boys), with other classes/ sections and even private tutors, all of whom thought of principal as negative and very sexist. What the principle did was right to some extent, but did it with wrong strategy and at wrong place. It could have been an organized sex education session.
But thats how the 'boomers' treat it today. They dont like to deal with this subject openly in front of their 'kids'. However, when they see an extreme situation, they just blurt out (almost explode), and use all kinds of language, without thinking of any psychological consequences (as in the case of principle). Often they even blame the girls themselves (like the college principle, if I am correct).
What we at BNP can do is start a series of Gender education/ sensitisation session (in a very subtle manner) in association with schools, whichever cities we can target. I dont think this job shud be left to school's counsellors and private psychiatrists, who are invited by schools for such sessions. (They charge for this very high.) Probably, we youth can do it much better, and students can get us easily.

Kanpur I just remembered a quote by Aamir Khan in some award function (he did visit) -
God made man and woman. And SHE made them equal.

Nimesh is 23 years of age. lives in India.
--

Anubhav Pradhan:

2009-07-08T11:23:00.003+05:30

"The "fear of being a perpetrator" is as real and widespread as the perpetration is. In an increasingly liberal age of political correctness, women’s empowerment and gender sensitivity, some age old norms of body/facial language are getting irrelevant and unacceptable.

One can, for example, never be sure whether smiling too much in public may be misconstrued as a disturbing sign. Going to college in a bus or the Metro I often feel like smiling, just for the heck of it, because I like to. But I am usually careful not to overdo it because I wouldn’t want my fellow commuters to think I’ve lost my marbles. Additionally, I generally don’t smile often at women because I really wouldn’t want them to mistake my purpose-less morning joy as ‘hitting’.

Then again, looking too is a dangerous business these days. Now, the word itself sounds suspect and does by this virtue excite uncritical condemnation. We must, however, consider all nuances and be very careful before completely negating the concept.

Heterosexual romantic love, the fairy tale love of knight-and-lady romances, has always been that sort of bond which is sealed as soon as the lovers look at each other from afar. While this is in actuality nothing more than a fanciful falsification, the idea of love at first sight has nonetheless been an abiding cultural obsession which continues to enthral millions of people and will, in all probability, continue to do so in the foreseeable future.

So what would happen to this if looking at members of the opposite sex would become tantamount to harassment? All looking cannot be staring, ogling…

The human body is beautiful and it is natural for one to appreciate its beauty. If I, as a perfect stranger, see a girl who I find attractive, whose long curvy eyebrows, deep black eyes and long hair seem beautiful to me, then I’ll naturally feel like looking more at her. Yet, even while doing so, I must be careful not look too much, just so that my looking does not morph into unwelcome staring and is not given the garb of harassment.

On another plane, even as liberal individuals one has to keep the dynamics of patriarchy in consideration. Having a few times been lost while travelling around in semi-urban villages of Delhi (as also in some middle-class bastions!) I have observed that if the men are around, it is always better to take directions from them rather than from the women, especially young ones. In case one has to, then it’s better to not look at them directly in the eye. This may seem a bit retrograde, but I believe progress cannot be forced upon somebody...

There really can be no objective, universal definition for such abstract and intensely subjective concepts as harassment, staring and looking. Yet, somehow, in fighting against male-perpetrated sexual harassment we not just routinely forget to consider all the nuances of looking but also overlook the fact that women too look at men and appreciate their physical beauty. Just as a course correction is needed in attitudes of perpetrators at large, so is one in that of the perpetrated so that the fear of being a perpetrator slowly vanishes away as we eventually move to a stage of mutual trust and equality.

About Anubhav:

I'm a Delhi-wallah and a third year student of Literature in Ramjas College of Delhi University...

BN GUY:

2009-07-06T00:34:00.002+05:30

From From an 'ex perpetrator'
Age 14 .I was going in a bus and it was not very crowded.I was standing behind a girl who was a little older and probably someone from the lower middle class.I accidentally touch her back with my front.But then I did not move away and did that again.She realized it,moved away and I was pretty embarrassed that I had even attempted that.

Blank Noise members/ supporters are both male and female. We believe that street sexual harassment is as much a male issue as it is one concerning women because it is influenced by male behaviour, attitude and expression.
With this thought we announce "Blank Noise Guy" : inviting males to share their experiences on being in public.

Thoughts on the body, boundaries, behaviours
[flirting, 'teasing' , 'harassing',' intimidating', 'having fun', 'just looking'?]

It could range from the fear of being seen as a perpetrator; how you approached a female stranger (if you ever did); being attracted to a stranger and what you did or witnessing harassment and introspecting on your response. Welcome.

Vivek / Jaipur

2009-07-05T17:40:00.002+05:30

About 2 years ago, Vivek Kakkar from Jaipur met Blank Noise members in Delhi at a meeting. He enthusiastically participated by translating several testimonials ( of the blogathon) to hindi. This was for a Blank Noise street action in Delhi that evening.

He took back Blank Noise stickers to Jaipur and had put this one on his bike at first . He says that the sticker got washed away in the rain but he made another one- the one you see on his bike!

He sent us this photograph about a year ago. Apologies for sharing it so late, but we felt that the time has come to talk about how men have built Blank Noise over the years.

BN: When did you decide to put a Blank Noise sticker on your bike?
Vivek: I read that sticker first and thought where i can stick this, then i thought these things should come into view so i put it on my bike, i took my bike to normal places like juice shops, bakerys, malls, cigratte shops etc, where i use to go as lots of young people and my friends are present, my friends asked me why did i have sticked unwanted instead of wanted as in sticker rest things were in background and it was in bold letters, then i said , read it fully, then i asked them what u feel about eve-teasing, your views, why we stare, comment etc, then some said its bad habit, lots of things one question which was raised everywhere was , about clothes which girls wear.

BN: did they ask you why you wanted that sticker on your bike?
Vivek: Yes some asked and I replied that lot of us stick different stickers which are of no use and i sticked it becaused it looked different and may be other can stick some inspiring stickers

One friend said yeh kya lagaya hai kuch acha lagata.
(What have you put on your bike?! you should have put something better).
I said dear sticker bhe hai( it's a sticker too) and also awareness for people .

BN: Did anyone get annoyed or irritated with the sticker on your bike?
Vivek : No , no one was angry or annoyed with sticker, not even my family, second one raised little less as people abbrevated it to fifferent menaing and then i explained them about it and about this project, its aim etc

BN : Why do you react to eve teasing? what makes you want to address 'eve teasing'?
Vivek: I react to eve teasing because i think its not a good thing and people who do so must understand that it gives a wrong message to society about yourself and what you will feel if such incident happens by chance with female members of their family. i will think hundred times before doing such things. And i want to address this issue because i feel it a problem these days , not many peole are working on this and above all i respect all females

BN: but what happens lets say if you find a girl attractive...you dont see her as a mother. sister. etc..you are a stranger to this girl how would you try to get to know her? or how would yo look at her? what would happen?when does it become 'eve teasing'? when does it become 'flirting'? or feeling attracted to 'flirting'? or feeling attracted to someone and expressing it?
Vivek : If i find a girl attractive and I'm stranger to this girl , if I have to look from my perspective I would not try to get to know her, but if i had to know her then will probably find out some decent way and if im not able to find out decent way then will not try to know her, i would look at her as a normal girl and will ignore. it becomes eve teasing when people find girl attractive and say some comments and try to touch her or roam around her, follow her without any reason.

BN :How did you start thinking about eve teasing?
Vivek : When i read into newspapers , heard about teaisng incidents and when one happened with my friend i started thinking about eve-teasing. I noticed while growing up that people unnecessarily comments on girls, ladies in markets, in parks, people following girls, etc

I have seen..people harrasing girls in buses, making comments on roads in traffic and some when sitting in malls making fun and comments on girls their ...

BN :Do your friends eve tease?
Vivek :few of them, remeber i once asked u about it that one of friend stares a lot , what i should i do?
I discussed with him a lot, made him understand many a times, then said look, what if someday u r trapped and public smashes u, or if ur sister faces such things what will u feel, slowly slowly he started understanding but still some problem is there but i will pull out that too

Vivek , age 24 , is based in Jaipur. He is a member of Pravah since 2007.
He is enthusiastic about the idea of a Blank Noise Jaipur

(we have been receiving emails from Jaipur- its time to call for a national meet up and get you in touch with each other! keep them coming!)

If you're male and have gotten into discussions with men about street sexual harassment or eve teasing- do write in to us at blurtblanknoise at gmail dot com. We would love to hear from you

Posts from the Blank Noise blog:

2009-06-12T01:35:00.000+05:30

Blank Noise/d Men
http://blog.blanknoise.org/2008/07/blank-noised-men.html

Utkarsh Soni

2009-06-06T12:50:00.001+05:30

Hey!
I am from Bhopal, pretty much a small developing town with growing population and confused mentality. Confused cause youth is still looking for answers amid modern and orthodox lifestyle. Well I lost my dad when I was 6. Now at 17, I owe all the happiness in my life to my mom and my elder sister. Thus my life is greatly influenced by 'em. I understand all the hardships faced by single parents, to be women in specific, in India. So squaring down to talk about "eve teasing", neither I have committed it nor have I faced any kind of sexual harassment yet. Rather I have played the worst part of being a mook spectator. I thought I had been at fault only once but going by the long list on homepage that defines eve-teasing, I felt disgusted at my ignorance. And hence decided to be a part of this project, or I should say 'deed', to make a difference

I had been brought up in an all-boys school till 10th and now I am in a co-ed school. So believe me, I have seen pretty much the ugly part of masculinity. I have a wide friend circle consisting of all kind of species. And the main problem with the average Indian teen-male is the refrained or limited exposure to their feminine counterpart. Most of them don’t realize the outcome of their acts. They think and act tough. For them groping, teasing, humiliating each other is part of the process of 'em growing into men. But they have no clue of what they consider an everyday activity may leave such a deep impact if committed on a woman. And even if they do realize, they take woman as an object of experiment. They don’t realize the valuable sensitivity that women possess. Many turn into perverts due to lack of knowledge or lack of interaction. Sadly some of my friends have been/are part of that crowd. It made me sick watching girls ridding vehicles with their masks on. But the part that made me sicker down to my stomach was that not many people realized why they were doing so. What forced them to stay hidden behind their masks and not come out in open? Of course there are incidents reported everydays of women being followed on roads and harassed eventually. But how come it’s hard to relate the two things for some people I don’t understand. But the point is ignorance. Its ignorance to blame a woman when she is the victim. Its ignorance to be a spectator in crime. And yet Ignorance to shout "bharat MATA ki jai" when such unsocial things like eve-teasing are at rise. I am not quoting any incidents because I don't feel the need to be told when you watch it happening everyday around the corner.

Thanks a ton for making me a part of this difference and I hope I come in handy after all I don't want to be on the losing side. As YOU have always survived and eventually will but maybe we won’t. :p

Utkarsh soni is from bhopal.17yrs old and in the 12th grade.

from an 'ex perpetrator'

2009-04-19T00:12:00.002+05:30

sent via Pranav

Hi Friends.
I live in the upstandard and metropolitan city of Bombay. However I have been brought up in a conservative, puritanical family. The equality if the sexes is not an ideology acceptable to my family. However, I have never indulged in sexual harassment before or after the incident I have described hence:
A friend had invited me to Malhar at Xaviers back in 2005. I was just 19 then, and beginning to enlarge my friends' circle and experiences. So I went.
We enjoyed the festival thoroughly. But upon coming out, my friend went to the nearest pan stall to fetch a cigarette. That was fine- what shocked me was the large number of girls smoking there, apparently without any inhibitions. Though I had seen this before in Bombay, it was still very distracting and unique. I kept staring. When my friend noticed this, he smiled and said, "This is posh society. Everything is okay here". He asked me not to keep ogling.
But the scene had left an impression on my mind. Let me explain at this point that I have always been liberal minded, but the culture clash at that time was too much to handle. I began to visit the place again and again, just to watch the "scene", even against my own will and better judgement. It was almost compulsive; I had to stare, I just could not avoid it. Initially I did this once in a few months. By the end of 2006, however, it had become an obsession. I began to visit the place every week. I even went and ordered food at Jhunkas, a popular place back then for collegians. And I angered the Jhunkas waiters by cancelling an order once because I saw some girls smoking outside and could not resist going out.
This went on for a few months into early 2007. I used to loiter around the place for hours, helplessly, obsessively. Then a thing happened that changed my psyche forever.
I had been staring as usual that day. Suddenly a group who were dining at Jhunkas came out. The guys began to stare me down. One of them initiated the argument by asking me what I was doing here. I mumbled something about waiting for a friend. Another guy said, "We know all about you. Don't pretend. You are famous here.". "You come here every week, don't you?", another asked. A girl in the group glared at me hard. There were 6 of them and just me, but I still tried defending myself. I feigned ignorance; I said I did not know what they were talking about. But I had made myself pretty obvious. Then some of the guys became very angry. One said, "We are all equals here, understand that". Another warned me that if I ever set foot on that stretch of the footpath again, they would not talk but act. Then they told me to get lost. As I left, a few raised their hands in mock farewell. All this while, some girls at the pan stall had been following the conversation with deep dislike aimed at me.
I was quite shaken by the incident, and frightened. In the beginning I actually felt sorry (!!) for the fact that I had lost out on visiting the place again! But as time passed, I began to realize the error of my ways, and that I had sexually harassed the girls there in a most sick manner. My cultural dilemma had received a big blow, and all for the good. I never stared at girls again, and the trauma that I had been going through was eased. Over time I became progressively and truly egalitarian, and I am happy that the argument with the collegians did really happen, for it was a life-changing experience...

From an 'ex eve teaser'

2009-04-19T00:00:00.000+05:30

http://blog.blanknoise.org/2008/06/from-ex-eveteaser.html

1. Your - age- background
Age: 29
Software Engg

2. why do you refer to yourself as an ex 'eve teaser'. what did you do?
I have given up on eve teasing. I got introduced to you by narrating my story.

3. what is eve teasing to you- what was the range of things that you did
Mostly caressing the bottom or thighs in crowded places. Rubbing private parts against the butt.

4. when and why did you stop?
Because I was punished in public.

5. how do you approach a woman stranger now? if you find her attractive?
I am married now. So no question of approaching. I have lot of friends who are girls.

6. how did you hear about Blank Noise
When I was browsing regarding eve teasing.

7. did you discuss being an 'eve teaser' , strategies and ways with your male friends?
No I used to operate alone. To my friends I was a decent guy.

8. did anyone except the woman who experienced it, really know that you could violate someone?
No. I had a decent image.

9. do you feel that 'teasing' to an extent is ok? if yes then where do you draw the line?
No it is not acceptable in any form or shape.

The answers are not meant to be seen as absolutes or solutions. It is but 1 person's experience. I thank him for sharing

from anonymous:

2009-04-18T23:36:00.001+05:30

Hello,
I am a 30 year old guy from Mumbai now in US who chanced upon this site when reading about Nirbhaya KA.I would like to share 2 incidents one as a perpetrator and another as a victim.
1 Perpetrator : Age 14 .I was going in a bus and it was not very crowded.I was standing behind a girl who was a little older and probably someone from the lower middle class.I accidentaly touch her back with my front.But then I did not move away and did that again.She realized it,moved away and I was pretty embarassed that I had even attempted that.
2 Victim: Age 16 .I was in a elevator going up to my floor .We stayed on the 16th floor and my friends dad who lived on the 12th floor was in the elevator.He asked me how I was doing and I said good..he stood very close to me and by the back of his hand kept applying pressure to my front thing.It was pretty awkward and embarassing and I did not know what to do.I just endured and I guess I tried to smile since it was pretty confusing.Another of my friend had the same experience with this guy and we dismissed him as a wierdo.

You can say that I was among a decent type guy who had a older sister,respects women,offers own seat to women in buses and does not attempt to touch/look/tease woman.However,the reason I am bringing this up is to think about the psyche of ppl who do this.I can only talk about typical decent types who do this and not for the criminal guys.We even had a friend in school who we used to call Score Singh because he used to score (touch a woman ) in crowded places.After school I have not had any friends who would do this so I cannot comment on older guys doing this.

Following are the big reasons.
1 Most school kids dont realize the impact this is having on the girls and think only about their fun in this.
2 Most often it is the hormones kicking in and not having any output.
3 Most of them dont have sisters or cannot empathize with the female gender.

Please note that I dont for a minute feel that the above reasons justify their action .I am just stating this to identify what can be done to minimize this.
I think the Blank noise project is doing a great service by making ppl aware of this issue .I think there should be programs in schools also when kids are in 10th-12th standard so boys know that this is a wrong thing to do and the impact it has on girls/women.The teachers/princi should hold a session on talking about the evils of this.And most importantly girls should complain about this and try and hopefully that will scare away the guys from trying something similar again.

Best wishes for your effort.I am married man with a kid now and I know my wife has had some bad experiences but we dont talk about it openenly.All my wife says is she does not want to be born as a woman again and how free she feels in US to be able to wear a skirt and sometimes go swimming.
To all the girls out there,I know my apology does not make a difference but still I am sorry that you girls have to go through this and I promise if I am ever a witness to such a thing I will act .
God bless you all..

Regards,
A